Snooki & Jwoww take an abbreviated birthing class

Snooki and JWoww Get Schooled in Childbirth — by Mamarama — in Season Finale 

Childbirth Class

The season comes to a rather anti-climactic end as Snooki and JWoww decide to move out of their Jersey City firehouse digs. Nicole says she wants to concentrate more on her pregnancy and future with fiancé Jionni, and Jenni is more or less obliged to follow her lead. 

In this much-awaited season finale, Snooki decides it might be prudent to become educated about pregnancy and the birth process. She finds herself in a class at Hamilton Health and Fitness hosted by none other than your local childbirth expert, Mamarama. 

Nicole and Jenni haul their noisy fake babies to my birthing class and then pose the question on everyone’s mind: “I’m really worried about my vagina ripping to my asshole.” That’s what you get with a camera crew and a certain lack of decorum. However, Nicole’s specific question IS certainly something many women worry about — and rightly so! What happens next I worry will haunt me forever. I proceed to draw an “anal sphincter” (and vaginal opening) on international television and describe the procedure called “episiotomy.” What you don’t get to hear is how a practitioner can PROTECT this delicate area by using compresses, lubrication and counter-pressure among other non-intrusive techniques, but I digress. 

The teacher in me would have loved to turn off the mics and cameras and get serious with Nicole about what was ahead of her. But I barely had a chance to fit in a joke about their dogs or apologize for my squeaky pelvis (see episode for aural explanation). 

The only thing weirder about seeing myself on MTV alongside Snooki and JWoww would be all the weeks of watching them mis-decorate the house I lived in for two years (“Ahh, the stacked washer/dryer! Oh, the sound of the doorbell! Aww, the Battalion Chief’s room…”) Professionally speaking, I was somewhat concerned that my words might be cut and rearranged to have me say something erroneous about birth, but apart from the anal illustration, I was pleased with the representation overall. 

In the episode, the girls get “pregnancy class” out of the way proclaiming that their education has set Jenni back a bunch of years — which is fine, no rush to have babies when you’re only 26 is my feeling. Next, they set upon the task of repairing one another’s dysfunctional relationships by swapping partners for a little dinner tête-à-tête. It’s worth noting that Nicole and Jionni fare much better in their ability to communicate and generally “get along” category. Jenni, we are told, is plagued by insecurity issues and a proclivity for telling lies — both qualities her boyfriend Roger finds nearly intolerable (and who could blame him). It’s always befuddling to see the “pretty girl” act like a puddle of insecurity when you just want to shake her and shout, “No more cosmetic surgery, darling — you’re beautiful!” 

Lastly, during their dinner interrogation, Jenni asks fiancé Jionni if he’d still be with Nicole if she didn’t have any of “the money.” This is a moment of breaking down that third wall in reality television. The “talent” are never supposed to reference the fact that they are ON a show and reaping the financial gains of such a show. Yet, here it is, Jenni posing the question on all our minds (right after tearing of the anal sphincter, of course) and happily Jionni proclaims his love for Nicole — with or without her riches. Please kids — if you can hear me — invest, save, and diversify! This little million-dollar ride is winding down and will not see you through even your thirties if you don’t plan properly. 

And that is my personal parting wish as we say “adieu” to our former Jersey City celebrity inhabitants: Plan for your future because becoming a parent means responsibility on a level you’ve never known. And no, doggies and fake babies do not count as practice. There will be nothing worse than seeing a destitute Snooki or Jwoww in ten years holding up a convenience store (that’s a nod to Dana Plato) or stooping to Playboy photo shoots. 

All my best wishes to our pseudo-Jersey girls — come back and visit soon.

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