tag:mamarama.tv,2005:/blogs/test?p=1test2022-02-18T00:40:19-05:00Mamaramafalsetag:mamarama.tv,2005:Post/69008262022-02-18T00:40:19-05:002024-01-13T09:10:16-05:00The Speedy Birth of Evie<p><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/63368/37db210dceb21c78ad9008e08f8248f0ed1358da/original/155462-10150794051142337-51178602-n.jpg/!!/meta:eyJzcmNCdWNrZXQiOiJiemdsZmlsZXMifQ==/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.jpg" class="size_m justify_left border_none" alt="" /></p>
<p>Everyone had said, "Oh the second birth is always faster and easier..." and I was pretty sure I'd get this one done in at least half the time of Bebe's 14-hour labor. I never expected a mad dash through rush hour traffic at the Holland Tunnel and a mind-boggling ninety-minute labor, start to finish. </p>
<p>That day, Wednesday, I had been to see my midwife in the office and was told I was almost 2 centimeters dilated. She did a little bit of cervical manipulation to hopefully get some contractions going and then I was sent on my way. </p>
<p>David and I had already dropped Bebe off with our babysitter, so we headed back to Jersey City. We had some lunch, then I took a nap and by 4 pm I was up and complaining that the house was too messy. I decided to watch my favorite daytime television show "Judge Judy" when suddenly I started having some very strong contractions. David tried timing them, but they weren't following a distinct pattern. A few minutes later, I was really in some pain. I got into the bathtub while David called the midwife's office. Another contraction hit while he was on the phone and the midwife could hear me howling like a monkey in the background -- she told David to get me to the birthing center pronto. </p>
<p>By now I was feeling terrible. I did not want to move, but David was forcing me to. Our supply bags were packed - we just needed to get me dressed and down the stairs to the car, but I kept getting hit with these short intense contractions. On the way down the stairs my water started to break and that's when I panicked. "No, I can't do this - I don't want to go, I need to stay here," I pleaded. I knew full well that water breaking generally meant labor was going to speed up and get more intense. The last place I wanted to be was in our filthy car. </p>
<p>But David pushed me onward and into our car where I got into the classic "laboring in the car position" which is facing backward, in the back seat. Now, he had a choice to make - Holland or Lincoln Tunnel - and this was a big decision. Lincoln would bring us closer to the birthing center (58th and 10th ave) - but Holland generally had lighter traffic. I was not to be reasoned with. I was pleading for David to turn around and take me home, then begging for a police escort. He chose the Holland Tunnel. Good choice it turned out. Traffic moved swiftly, despite it being 5:15 and soon we were in Manhattan. </p>
<p>By now it felt like I was being split in two by a red hot bowling ball. I couldn't believe how horrible and strong each contraction was. I was pleading with my body to slow down - I even remembered that sometimes labor stalls on the way to the hospital because adrenaline kicks in and slows progress. No such luck. In between contractions the wind blew from all open windows - endorphins kicked in and I felt blissful and calm. Then I'd get slammed again, now with the overwhelming need to push and I have to talk myself into holding back. "You just THINK you have to push...you don't really," I tried to reason. For all I knew I may be only halfway there and find I was only 5 cm dilated...wouldn't that be a relief? But I could tell I wasn't halfway there - I was all the way there and I was in a stupid car, on my knees, driving up the West Side Highway. </p>
<p>David was trying to calm me down but he may as well have been a thousand miles away. I was on my own and I was determined not to have this baby in the garbage-strewn back seat. In between contractions, it took every ounce of strength to pick up my cell phone and make a few calls. I needed to get Courtney and Nan to the hospital - they were supposed to help me through this labor. Two quick calls - speed-dialed - strained urgent messages left. Next - babysitter. This woman has had SIX kids and all births were under two hours. "Maryellen," I panted into the phone, "I'm in labor. I'm really afraid I'm gonna have this baby in the car..." </p>
<p>"Calm down," she said, "If you have it in the car, it's okay -- you won't be the first." Somehow that made me feel relieved. I hung up, clutched the car seat, and weathered another enormous contraction. </p>
<p>It wasn't this way with Bebe's birth. Those contractions - though intense and awful - were like ocean swells - predictable...manageable. This was a goddamn tsunami. I opened my eyes and saw that we were already on 10th ave and in the 30s. Okay...I'm gonna make it, I told myself. </p>
<p>At St. Lukes-Roosevelt David dropped me off and raced to park the car. A faceless guard helped me into a wheelchair and a moment later I was in the birthing center on the 11th floor. Midwife Sandy and a nurse helped me undress and get onto the big double bed. I was crying to Sandy that I wanted to push and she was telling me it was okay to give in. I heard her say something like "I hope her husband makes it back in time." A moment later David was there and I was holding onto him for dear life. I was laboring on my side and now finally I was free to push. Just like last time I really didn't enjoy pushing part; it was hard work and besides it hurt like hell. However, each push seemed to really move this baby along. It wasn't so much that pushing was easier with this labor, but that each push was so much more efficient. </p>
<p>A few seconds later and the head was almost out. However, her heart rate had dropped to 70 bpm and should be closer to double that. "Jayne, I'm going to give you a little episiotomy," Sandy said, clearly concerned. When I protested she said, "Okay, then...next contraction just give me one more good push and this will all be over with." </p>
<p>All over with...the concept seemed so elusive, yet so tantalizing. Next contraction hit - I gave it my all, and the head came completely out. But what's this? The baby was crying! How weird, I thought, lifting my head to take in this sight. Half in, half out, and wailing away. Then, one more push and she wriggled out and was on my belly in a second. I was completely blown away; it was so fast and furious. She was crying, I was crying, it seemed unreal that 2 hours ago I was home watching TV. </p>
<p>I didn't know I was having a girl. A total shock, but a happy one. She has straight black hair and looks nothing like Bebe. </p>
<p>Alas, I only needed one little stitch (NO episiotomy). My friends showed up about 15 minutes after I delivered. Courtney thought the nurse was joking when she said I had already given birth. We all sat around and relived the story - giddy with the rush of the experience. David and I made our phone calls - then all of us had a little celebration with Mexican food and chocolate milk....and finally I got to sleep.</p>
<p>------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p><span class="font_regular"><em>Evelyn Frances Freeman, Born: May 8, 2002, 6:05 pm 7 lbs. 4 oz., 19.5 in. </em></span></p>
<p><span class="font_regular"><em>Named for both her great-grandmothers, little Evie came into this world Wednesday evening, assisted by veteran midwife Sandy Woods at St. Lukes-Roosevelt Birthing Center. </em></span></p>
<p> </p>Mamaramatag:mamarama.tv,2005:Post/65825282021-03-23T14:19:53-04:002022-02-17T18:46:38-05:00Traumatic Birth: How Can We Protect Ourselves? (Published by Jersey City Times)<p><em><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/63368/748b34c562750d9d803c14ae3e7cbaa04362bd8a/original/img-2377.jpeg/!!/undefined/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.jpeg" class="size_m justify_left border_none" alt="" />Warning: This article contains stories about difficult deliveries that some readers might find disturbing. All interviewees’ names have been changed to protect their privacy. </em></p>
<p>When I was in college, I read a short story by John Cheever about a character who was on a business trip. His plane crash-landed in a field. Everyone survived, but it was described as a harrowing, terrifying experience. Because there were no casualties, the crash wasn’t even mentioned on the evening news. The character went home to his family but couldn’t seem to make them understand or even care about what he had just gone through. </p>
<p>I think about this story frequently, especially when we talk about birth, and more specifically when we talk about traumatic birth. There is a tendency for friends and family to say, “You’re fine, and your baby is healthy.” But is the new mom really fine? For women who experience trauma at birth, this is a common and irritating response. They may try to just “focus on the baby,” as their friends and family suggest, but they can’t shake the feeling that something hasn’t been acknowledged about their birth story. This can lead to postpartum depression and anxiety. Not all emotional pain that lingers after childbirth need stem from dire medical incidents. Birth trauma is in the eye of the beholder. </p>
<p>Take Laura, a Hoboken mom. While she was pregnant, she was ambivalent about her obstetrician. She didn’t like the way he spoke mainly to her husband during their prenatal exams, often chatting about football and sports, which annoyed her. Laura would have preferred the extra chit-chat during their prenatal visits be spent answering her many pregnancy questions. But she let it go, remembering her doctor had come highly recommended. </p>
<p>Later on Laura’s conflicted feelings about her doctor bubbled to the surface. “I did not like the way he spoke to me in labor. He treated my pushing the baby out like it was some endurance sport, like he was a personal trainer at the gym. Because I’m a Pilates instructor, he sort of weaponized that detail to bully me into pushing more effectively. I felt like he was intimidating me into getting my baby out by making me feel like a failure because I wasn’t doing it ‘right’ or ‘good enough’,” she explained. </p>
<p>“When my baby was born, I felt emotionally drained and bruised. I wasn’t even thinking of my baby; instead, I was seething with annoyance about how he spoke to me. He robbed me of the beauty of bringing my baby into the world by forcing me to focus on his intimidation tactics. Every time I thought of my beautiful daughter’s birth, I heard his callous voice berating my efforts.” </p>
<p>Laura cried every time she spoke of her birth. Anxiety bubbled to the surface along with regret and fury. “I just hated him,” she said. “I decided not to go to him for my postpartum follow-up visit, and I wrote him a letter telling him exactly what I thought of my experience.” </p>
<p>Nicole felt similarly disrespected during the pushing stage but ultimately turned her anger toward her partner. “After the birth I was furious with my husband,” she said. “I felt like he should have protected me and told the doctor to stop speaking to me so roughly.” Yet Nicole realized that both she and her husband were taught “follow doctor’s orders,” and that’s what they did. </p>
<p>“It’s weird,” she continues, reflecting on the moment. “He’s not doing surgery in that moment. He’s supposed to guide and coach me through a physiological effort. I’m allowed to criticize his approach while still respecting his medical knowledge. To me, they are two separate things.” </p>
<p>The takeaway? Trust your instincts. Ask your support person ahead of time to speak up on your behalf should you feel disrespected during labor. Choose a practice not only for its reputation, but because it feels right to you. Check your hospital’s c-section rate before you select your provider. Put yourself in the most favorable position long before you go into labor. </p>
<p>Aubrey had a more extreme experience. </p>
<p>“Everything about my first birth was the opposite of what I wanted,” said the mother of three. “I was having twins, which should not have been perceived as such a medical crisis. Every step of the way my doctor and the hospital staff refused to listen to me or respect my wishes. I had one procedure after another, which led to an emergency c-section.” </p>
<p>Though Aubrey’s surgery in itself did not constitute a medical crisis, her lack of agency during delivery left her disillusioned and depressed. “I felt like my body was broken, like I wasn’t allowed to let it do its job.” </p>
<p>In the weeks that followed, several visits to her doctor for an oozing wound yielded no response other than there’s nothing wrong with you. Eventually Aubrey’s sister flew to Jersey City and brought her and the babies back to their mother’s house in the South. Once there, the family’s doctor treated her for a festering infection that her own doctor’s office had overlooked. </p>
<p>But Aubrey’s story doesn’t end there. At the start of the pandemic she got pregnant again. This time she wanted a less medicalized labor, so she shopped for a midwife who would do a home birth. This approach is not very popular in the U.S.—less than one percent of pregnant women plan to deliver at home. For Aubrey it was impossible because New Jersey prohibits midwives from attending home deliveries following c-sections. It’s considered too risky. But this didn’t stop Aubrey. </p>
<p>“I was having panic attacks at the thought of even visiting a doctor’s office. So, I just decided to have my baby at home, on my own. My husband wasn’t exactly on board with the idea, but I did it. It was incredible and exhilarating. It proved to me that my body was not broken; it worked perfectly fine when given the opportunity to do so.” </p>
<p>Aubrey took a huge risk. While it cannot be condoned medically, her decision illustrates how extreme stress can push a mother to make a radical choice. </p>
<p>Ina May Gaskin, considered to be the “mother of midwifery” observes women experiencing a wide range of emotions during pregnancy and labor. Often, she sees women robbed of self-confidence particularly during childbirth. In the documentary “A Birth Story” she asks, “If they take it all away from you, how do you get it? Where do you get it?” </p>
<p>While many recent birth traumas reflect over-taxed practitioners experiencing burnout during the pandemic, COVID alone doesn’t explain the phenomenon. The medical profession has needed sensitivity training for a long time. For women to have positive birth experiences, they don’t need deliveries that are pain free. They don’t even need to delivery vaginally. They simply need to be to be listened to, to be validated. To be respected and supported. </p>
<p>“I’m still angry at my husband,” says Robyn, a local mother of two. “I had my first baby without him because he went out of town too close to my due date. I became suddenly and severely preeclamptic and had to deliver early. Thankfully my mother was able to get there in time.” </p>
<p>After a difficult induction that ended in a c-section, Robyn was haunted by the fact that her doctor’s office had nearly missed her preeclampsia. Her life had hung in the balance. </p>
<p>“After my second birth, the baby had to go to the NICU, and my husband stayed with her the whole time. I’m recovering from yet another c-section and completely unable to move. A social worker at that point decides to grill me on why I’m not bonding and visiting with my newborn. It was so insensitive and clueless. She made me feel worse, not better,” Robyn reports. </p>
<p>It’s not just the women who have a tough time. “I was enduring a very scary emergency c-section, and my husband started to feel faint, so he asked if he could sit down,” explains Sabrina, a first time mom. “He was escorted out of the operating room into recovery, which was a safer place to be. A male nurse sidled over to me, leaned in, and said, ‘I guess there’s more than one baby in the room.’ I’m literally hemorrhaging on the operating table after a long and difficult labor with tons of awful side effects, and this is what he chooses to say at that moment? Everything went wrong during my labor that preceded the c-section. No one would listen to me. If I said I was allergic to a drug, they forgot about that. The epidural didn’t work well, they didn’t believe me. I was shaking, vomiting, my skin was on fire from the Fentanyl that I asked not to get. It was unreal.” </p>
<p>Sabrina is also a cancer survivor. Hospitals and self-advocacy are second nature to her, yet she found herself constantly deflecting insensitive comments. “Because of my double mastectomy and birthing at a ‘baby-friendly’ hospital, I was dreading being approached about breastfeeding. Of course, a lactation consultant comes in the middle of the night when I’m trying to sleep. She starts talking about something to stimulate my milk supply, and I’m just beyond exasperated at that point. All she could offer to me, a brand-new mom with no ability to breastfeed, was a lack of formula knowledge and a warning that my baby doesn’t become obese from bottle feeding.” </p>
<p>Shafali is a Jersey City mom who started to bleed heavily after delivering. “Upon discharge from the hospital they tell moms to look out for clots that are bigger than a golf ball,” she explains. “But mine were much larger and just kept coming. I was instructed to go to the emergency room, but this was at the beginning of the pandemic so I did not want to bring my baby with me. I had to wait for my mother to arrive to stay with my newborn, so my husband could take me to the hospital.” Once there, Shafali learned she might have to have a hysterectomy. Fortunately, she didn’t, but due to COVID, she spent the rest of her hospital stay by herself without her husband and newborn. “I had tubes down my throat, no family, no phone, no visitors,” she says, reliving those five days. “I was terrified.” </p>
<p>But Shafali wasn’t alright, it turned out. Shortly after she went home, she started bleeding again. She wound up back in the hospital (via the ER), where doctors told her that, in order to save her life, they might have a hysterectomy after all. Shafali woke up in recovery alone again and learned the surgeon had removed her uterus. How she was spoken to afterward sunk her deeper into despair. </p>
<p>“The doctor who did the surgery made a comment about going through my c-section incision so I’d be ‘back in a bikini in no time’,” she said. “Then the other doctor said something about me never being bothered by periods again. I wanted to burst into tears, but I held back my emotions at that moment. I had no family around to comfort me.” </p>
<p>Could it be Shafali’s doctors were just trying to make her feel better? Of course. But a woman of child-bearing age who has just lost her ability to have more children is not thinking about wearing a bikini on the beach next summer; nor is she comforted by the prospect of losing her “pesky periods.” Hospital staff do their best to accommodate a patient’s feelings, but a typical new mother is extremely vulnerable, like an exposed nerve. Her normal protective layers have been peeled back and her psyche is laid bare. It is during this raw emotional experience that words and actions leave an indelible imprint. </p>
<p>According to mental health experts, Shafali did not receive “trauma-informed care.” Trauma-informed providers are advised to assume that their patients have experienced some form of trauma in their lives—and that how you speak to them can trigger painful memories. Yet, this standard of care is hard to come by. </p>
<p>That’s getting attention. </p>
<p>Both Beyoncé and Serena Williams had very difficult deliveries. Indeed, Williams nearly died of a complication that might have gone undetected had she not vocally advocated for herself. To help publicize the need for better care from the medical community, Beyonce and Williams went public about them. “It may be time for women to be comfortable with having uncomfortable conversations,” Williams told the press after her recovery. By sharing the darker and often traumatic sides of birth, women can raise awareness and legitimate concern about the issue. </p>
<p>In the end we can’t always prevent birth trauma, but we can certainly take steps to minimize it. While pregnant, learn as much as you can about your provider and the hospital you’re choosing. Seek education, support groups, online forums; hire a birth doula, and consider choosing a midwife or a birthing center. Should you experience a postpartum mood disorder or simply want to share some negative experiences you had, get help. (Local therapy practice MindfulPower regularly holds birth trauma workshops and support groups for women to share and process their stories.) </p>
<p>It comes down to support and knowledge. </p>
<p>“Birthing is like a leap that is not optional,” says Deborah Robbins, a former labor nurse. “The baby has to get born one way or another. So, you line up the people below who will hold the net while you let go. The fall may be scary (or not), but if you trust the folks who are there to catch you, there is an implicit sense of calm, even peace.” </p>
<p>Jayne Freeman is a certified childbirth educator, breastfeeding counselor, and postpartum doula based in Jersey City. Please see her website for providers specializing in birth trauma and perinatal mood disorders.</p>Mamaramatag:mamarama.tv,2005:Post/61334932020-01-19T14:30:17-05:002022-02-16T23:58:42-05:00The Tree of Life & Loss<p><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/63368/5d63d92b64a5f8df2247e617045afb494618e02d/original/lsp3.jpg/!!/undefined/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.jpg" class="size_m justify_left border_" />It was a summer day, in late July—the final day of our annual camping trip with my ex and our kids. The day was glorious—sunny with blue skies, and no one wanted to pack up the campsite or head back to city life. The entire day though, I was plagued by a mild feeling of dread that was somehow centered on our long car ride back home. </p>
<p>Earlier that morning we took a bunch of girls to the nearby swimming hole at Bash Bish Park and I worried that we were packing too many girls into one dad's convertible VW. I was responsible for other people's children and I openly rejected the addition of one extra child who would be our tipping point in the car's cramped backseat. Her mother, not wanting her child to be left out, dismissed my concerns for safety and insisted I bring her daughter with us. In retrospect, I should have stuck to my impulse, as ultimately any incident would be the adult behind the wheel’s fault. Nervous as I was, the ride, both ways, was uneventful; we sang along to pop music and watched the hilly farmland shimmer past us in the summer sun. </p>
<p>Around noon we begrudgingly headed back home via the Taconic State Parkway. Things went smoothly at first --traffic was moving swiftly--but about an hour or so into the ride everything came to an ominous halt. There was no slowdown of traffic indicating a typical jam, this was a complete standstill. We noticed that no vehicles were coming up the northbound side of the highway, so we decided to exit with several other cars in search of an alternative route home. </p>
<p>Driving around an unfamiliar neighborhood, having a vague idea that something terrible had occurred I was suddenly seized by nausea. I begged my ex to pull over - claiming I needed air. We stopped at a grassy hill between anonymous side streets and I stumbled out of the car and onto my knees. My ex mocked me from the car, calling me overdramatic, but I was oblivious to his words. I was gripped by a sickening feeling and turned to lie on the grass staring up at the sunlight filtered between the treetops. "I don't feel right," I yelled. It took me several moments to recover - as though a wave had passed over me...a wave I could not make sense of in that moment. </p>
<p>Later that night, with the children in bed, I turned on my computer only to find that the enormous traffic snarl was a result of the worst accident the Taconic Parkway had seen in nearly a century. Eight people had lost their lives and unbelievably four of them were children. As I read more of the details and saw the overhead map of the highway I realized we were just a few miles north of the incident; it had happened just moments before we pulled off the highway in search of a faster route home. Did a ripple effect of grief move through the atmosphere in the moments following the crash? Fueled by the hundreds of people who were witness to this horror on the highway I wondered if their collective shock and emotion passed through me via an unseen current. </p>
<p>As the pieces of this accident came to light I was seized by empathetic grief I had never known before. It made me shudder when I learned that three of the children were not in the care of their parents—instead they were entrusted to a family member—their aunt. How many times have friends and family entrusted me with the lives of their children? And how many countless times have I done the same - never thinking twice that the parent in charge would make irresponsible or reckless choices. </p>
<p>These children had not died by their parent's own negligence but by an inexplicable series of events that led the caretaker, a mother herself, to drink vodka and smoke marijuana. From what we know, she willingly endangered the lives of all around her...including her own children who were also in that van. </p>
<p>But my thoughts, though confused by these details, were not so much on the mother who had caused the tragedy and had perished along with part of her family. My thoughts were completely focused on the parents who just learned...on that beautiful July day...that they had lost their three daughters. This was something I could not comprehend. The grief of one child's death is more than any parent could ever bear in a lifetime; to lose three at once was unfathomable. </p>
<p>Poring over the film footage and news interviews, I had worked myself into a deep empathetic mind-state—where I began taking on the feelings of those who were suffering. I went upstairs to my daughters' room to find them both sweaty and nestled in their loft bed, the fan whirring and gently rearranging their hair. I kissed them and cried, trying to imagine the girls' parents - faceless to me at that point - reconciling the inability to kiss their children to sleep ever again. There is a sameness to this gesture—a universal motion for all parents share knowledge. Children are universally alike whilst asleep; the warmth of their bodies and soft exhalations—the curve of a cheek, lashes closed against the glow of a nightlight... </p>
<p>I never stopped thinking about the parents and how they could possibly endure this burden. The weeks went by and they were never far from my mind; each time I hugged my children and reveled in their very aliveness there was an inner stab of grief for the parent who could no longer do this. The weeks turned to months; I thought of them at holidays and wondered how on earth they crossed through something like Halloween, or each girl's birthday. I secretly wished that the mom would get pregnant again, perhaps by in-vitro, so that she might possibly bear twins, and assuage some of that mountain of pain. She was only 38 when her children were plucked from this earth. What does she say if she meets someone who does not know her story? "I have three daughters....none are on this planet any longer." </p>
<p>Which brings me to the scope and breadth of Terrence Malick's <em>The Tree of Life</em>. In this indescribable film we are witness to a colossal depiction of life and death from the beginning of time. We live through a family’s loss via a surrealistic window that is at once fantastical and grounding in the same breath. As viewers, we are subject to re-living the life lost by those who are left behind, reeling from their loss. Trying to make sense of cruel tragedy against our background of spiritual knowledge and belief system is common ground to all untimely and inexplicable loss. Yet no one can spell out the answers for you. By wisps of memories, sunlight filtered through treetops, events that are a child's building blocks for faith and trust in both his parents and the universe, a story unfolds that is bigger, more universal, than the particular life we are living—yet somehow never more or less important. </p>
<p>In the end, the mother makes a simple statement that expresses her acceptance. She surrenders, with grace, to the loss because there is absolutely nothing else one can do. Your choice is to remove yourself from this mortal body at your own hand or soldier through the grief that can atrophy all other emotions. </p>
<p>It's been almost two years since the loss of the Hance girls http://blog.hancefamilyfoundation.com/, who were eight, seven and five when they were sprung from this world. Will their parents ever get used to waking up on any given day, seeing the breeze blow through a transparent curtain and think for just a split second that it was all a bad dream? Can acceptance be a part of their dialogue and not thoroughly demolish their sense of a higher order and plan? I'll never know these answers, but I do know there are those out there, parents like me who ruminate on such dark matters...and I can hear the collective whisper late at night, into a pillow dampened by imagination, may my children outlive me...please let them outlive us all.</p>Mamaramatag:mamarama.tv,2005:Post/57396172019-05-01T22:30:28-04:002021-09-12T18:18:53-04:00The Key to a Happier Divorce<p><span class="font_regular"><strong>What is private mediation? </strong></span></p>
<p><span class="font_regular">As a childbirth educator and postpartum doula I tend to see couples during the most celebratory and joyful time in their lives. It’s a bit of a departure for me to be speaking about the topic of divorce, but in some ways it makes perfect sense. My personal experience has given me insight and awareness. Plus, by definition, my job is to help people transition into a new life phase. While marriage and birth are experienced as positive milestones in our lives, divorce is an unhappy one for most families. I’m not here to rain on your parade, especially those of you in the honeymoon of your marriages. I’m writing for those who are struggling with a separation or divorce and who have children caught in the storm’s wrath. </span></p>
<p><span class="font_regular"><strong>This is an ode to private mediation, particularly its positive impact on children.</strong> Over my ten years of being happily divorced and counseling families, I have referred at least a dozen couples to private mediation instead of traditional divorce lawyers. My snapshot pitch goes something like this: </span></p>
<p><strong><span class="font_regular">Private Mediation is... </span></strong></p>
<ul> <li><span class="font_regular">Less expensive </span></li> <li><span class="font_regular">Less combative </span></li> <li><span class="font_regular">Faster </span></li> <li><span class="font_regular">Legally binding </span></li> <li><span class="font_regular">Easier on the kids </span></li> <li><span class="font_regular">COLLABORATIVE</span></li>
</ul>
<p><span class="font_regular">Many couples have taken my advice, recognizing at the very least that mediation is going to be less expensive than going to court. Yet, still there are some who reject mediation and I can never understand why. So I asked Dr. Michelle Rozen, a seasoned and respected private mediator in the New York area, “Why don’t more couples choose mediation over the court system? </span></p>
<p><span class="font_regular">“I feel like people mistakenly think that if they mediate they won’t get legal advice,” she began. “I always encourage my clients to consult with an attorney for feedback during the process. But everything we do in mediation is made legally binding by a judge once we’ve come to a resolution.” In fact, typically judges are the biggest supporters of private mediation. They would much rather wrap-up a marital dispute when the couple has come in prepared and already sorted out their agreement in the presence of a mediator. </span></p>
<p><span class="font_regular">“Court tears people apart,” adds Andrea Hirshman, a veteran divorce mediator and attorney. “People sometimes resist mediation because they believe they will get their ‘day in court’—in other words, some kind of emotional justice.” However, this is not what happens in court. It’s not a TV show or dramatic film starring Meryl Streep. Litigation is not designed to be storytime or for you to achieve emotional satisfaction because “they” will see your side and rule accordingly. Court is the opposite of that; when lawyers start to make a case for their client, they are making a case against YOU. Andrea goes on to say that the process of coming to an agreement is kept “under control” via mediation; there is an attempt to keep it amicable, cordial and collaborative. This is about the exact opposite of what you can expect in litigation. Both mediators agree—divorce is a time of high conflict in your life. </span></p>
<p><span class="font_regular">There are typically an array of intense emotions surrounding a divorce. And when anger is combined with parenting, you stand a good chance of letting it bleed into your children’s lives, coloring their sense of self. Children are probably the best reason for parents to consider private mediation over lawyers and court. In the midst of a traditional divorce and custody battle it’s not uncommon for children to require cognitive therapy; they are sometimes depressed, anxious or angry themselves. That’s understandable, namely because our decisions and behavior will affect our kids. “It’s not separation or divorce that hurt children,” explains Andrea, “It’s conflict.” </span></p>
<p><span class="font_regular"><strong>Conflict.</strong> Studies show that when parents engage in mediation instead of battling in court, their children are positively impacted by their choice. They tend to have better self-esteem, stay focused academically, and learn a valuable life lesson in the process. From Brianna L. Nelson’s study of Divorce Mediation: “When children are involved in divorces, they can be at risk for emotional issues, especially when parents aren’t dealing with their emotions appropriately. The most common and complicated emotion during a divorce is anger in children and adults, which is a common reaction to grief and loss (Emery, 2004; Raisner, 2004). Consequently, if parents are not processing their emotions such as sadness, grief, or anger, it will negatively affect the children by causing more conflict and tension in the transition and children can become confused and upset about the divorce (Emery, 2004).” Children are hyper-aware of the tensions that ricochet between their parents, even if care is taken not to blatantly argue in their presence. When parents engage in mediation a more “collaborative” structure occurs. Collaboration is what mediators encourage and what propels you toward resolution. Counseling and therapy might be necessary too, just to help you separate with less residual anger, but mediation is the first step toward compromise. And yes, you have to compromise when you co-parent after divorce. </span></p>
<p>For over a decade I have been camping with my ex-husband and our children. It's been an exercise in tolerance as our summers together haven't always been easy. But neither of us wanted to forgo the annual camping trip that we had started before we separated. Our children have known nothing different and for many years thought all divorced parents get together for holidays or traditions. Coming to a place of understanding and mutual respect was extremely important for us, so we could show tolerance and collaboration to our girls. As they've grown up they have taken note of this unusual relationship and recognized why it's best that their parents are friends and not married. </p>
<p><span class="font_regular">There are going to be birthday parties, graduations, and other milestones ahead of you. There could be adolescent issues to handle, a health crisis, even a diagnosed learning disability will force you to make decisions together as parents. I have personally witnessed parents at their adult children’s wedding sitting tight-lipped and tense at separate tables—even when both have new spouses. It’s not healthy for any parents to behave this way, yet old grudges die hard and typically it’s the kids who carry that weight for years, often into their own relationships. How parents handle a difficult circumstance in life sets an example for dealing with conflict in any challenging life-event. Children watch and learn and what will we show them? Fury and vindictiveness or conflict management and resolution? Let’s face it, most marriages do not end with a friendly handshake and a pat on the back, “Hey, sorry it didn’t work out, better luck next time.” Divorce is generally a crisis, but it needn’t turn into a traumatic crisis. How that unfolds is entirely in your hands.</span></p>Mamaramatag:mamarama.tv,2005:Post/57023662019-04-01T10:52:39-04:002022-02-15T08:46:05-05:00A Raptor's Tale (not baby related at all!) <p><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/63368/54d8732e8f02989914120392c29fea151b7dc4d1/original/jaynefalcon.jpg/!!/undefined/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.jpg" class="size_m justify_left border_" /></p>
<p>My friend Nolan Price and I drove over 3 hours out to western Pennsylvania, to a tiny town called (somewhat bizarrely) Jersey Shore. We were on a mission to meet and film Tierney Clark a young falconer with a very interesting back-story. I found Tierney on Instagram and was immediately mesmerized by her images and the grace with which she handled her bird of prey. This wasn’t exactly a newfound interest of mine. I had forever romanticized my original last name, Falconieri (before I went with the simplicity of "Freeman") which seemed, I imagined, to imply a “long line of Sicilian falconers.” Though practiced since antiquity it’s said that Medieval Arabs brought the art to Sicily somewhere during the 10th century. Since I was a kid, I imagined myself with a majestic bird flying to me from a tree and landing gently on my gloved hand. Somehow I missed the idea that this also involved hunting; I was wrapped up in the notion that I would someday return to Sicily and practice falconry in my "golden years." </p>
<p>My first online persona was "Raptor Girl" (on Myspace, no less) where I pretended to be involved in falconry; my WiFi connection has always been "Falcon's Lair" (which every teenager who has ever been to my house knows.) Once in Liberty State Park I watched a raptor demonstration by a woman and her dad. Intrigued, I went over to chat with her and asked how I might get involved in falconry. Her answer jolted my fantasy: "Well, first you’ll have to trap your bird in the wild." I don't know what I had been thinking - that I could just get a bird of prey in a pet store, at the mall? I clearly was immersed in a fantasy version of what it might mean to be a true "Raptor Girl.” Flash forward several years—along comes Tierney and she IS the real deal. </p>
<p>I thought perhaps I could interview her while Nolan would get some video footage of her hunting with her bird, Spirit. I learned that hunting season was coming to a close, March 31st, so we hadn't a moment to lose. I also didn't know that each season she traps a different bird, trains her, then sets her loose in the Spring. Tierney told us that after just a few weeks the birds, formerly tamed and accustomed to her, would no longer come to her hand or even remember that this life with humans had ever existed. She told us of the first bird she trapped and how she had gotten loose in Tierney's truck, almost causing a roadside catastrophe. </p>
<p>Tierney, in a serious and solemn manner, recounted her history for us. She grew up with a single mom, one of four kids including a disabled younger brother. She had no relationship with her father and was told (falsely) that her paternal grandparents had no interest in knowing her. Once Tierney was a little older and had her own child, her determination to connect with her paternal grandparents escalated. At the same time, in this rural part of PA, she realized that hunting with a rifle was not the sport for her - so she pursued falconry. </p>
<p>When she put the word out on social media that she was looking for a sponsor (a falconry mentor) she was pointed to a man who turned out to be her great-uncle on her father's side. This dovetailed nicely with her ability to finally connect with her paternal grandparents. Unfortunately she learned that her grandfather was gravely ill and she didn’t get to meet him before he passed away. On that first visit to see her grandmother, Tierney noticed a bald eagle flying right over her truck and heading into the mountains that frame her small town. As she had hoped, her grandmother embraced her with loving arms, delighted to see her kin after two decades of absence. When Tierney returned home after this emotional visit, her mother presented her with a surprise: A canvas she had long hidden away, of an eagle flying into the mountains—painted by none other than the grandfather Tierney didn’t get to meet. </p>
<p>That story and more were part of today’s discovery and I felt honored listening to Tierney’s retelling. We filmed her for hours as she sat patiently perched on a tree branch, occasionally shivering through her words. Eventually, she recounted the story of her mother’s death to cancer and how working with raptors have provided healing, therapy and moments of joy. </p>
<p>For me, finally having a hawk come swoop to me from atop a tree, landing delicately on my gloved hand was a dream realized. I felt completely calm and somehow prepared for the weight of her body as she gripped the glove with her talons. She scrambled for the scrap of squirrel and eyed me with flat curiosity. It was an exhilarating moment and I have to thank Tierney for opening up her world so candidly for us—just two strangers from Instagram. </p>
<p>Stay tuned for the video version, by Jayne FALCON and Nolan PRICE.</p>
<p><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/63368/2aebdc37357cdb902c42bfca62924b7fcbb629ed/original/picsart-03-31-03-25-25.jpg/!!/undefined/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.jpg" class="size_m justify_left border_" /></p>Mamaramatag:mamarama.tv,2005:Post/56160122019-01-28T09:58:30-05:002024-01-08T22:28:36-05:00Help! What Baby Gear Do We Need?? <p><i><strong>Q: Our baby arrived ahead of schedule and we feel completely unprepared right now - what do we need?! </strong></i></p><p> </p><p><i><strong><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/63368/9fd65aa1272930aa6da03f2b90cca6b8a4e479e6/original/picsart-01-28-09-03-04.jpg/!!/undefined/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.jpg" class="size_m justify_left border_" /></strong></i>First thing I’m going to say to that is, “Don’t Panic!” Whether you’re in New York or New Jersey, you can get everything you need in a heartbeat, and besides, that’s exactly what Amazon Prime is for. </p><p>You need a car seat to get the baby home in - though in some cases when couples are walking distance to their hospital the mom can take a cab while partner puts baby in a stroller (bassinet style, laying flat.) But you’ll need a car seat for other reasons inevitably, so make sure you have one. You can check out <a class="no-pjax" href="http://thecarseatlady.com" target="_blank" data-link-type="url" contents="thecarseatlady.com">thecarseatlady.com</a> for excellent information on car seats and strollers. </p><p>The hospital will send you off with a baby cap, receiving blankets, pacifiers, little kimono shirts, diapers, (be sure to grab the disposable mesh underwear) so here’s what you really need: </p><p><strong>1. Bassinet. </strong> Baby needs a safe place to sleep. Though a crib will be your baby’s bed for years to come, initially babies prefer bassinets. Why? Because they prefer to be in an environment that is cozy and makes them feel cradled. In a crib a baby can’t feel the walls around him, so he feels less secure. Even some bassinets come with inserts that make them feel even more comfy, like the very popular <strong>Halo Bassinet </strong>has its own “newborn insert” safely designed to create the feeling of body contact all around baby. Some parents, in a pinch, have their baby sleep in the <strong>UppaBaby </strong>bassinet that snaps on their stroller frame. Other parents will choose the Snoo, which comes with its own swaddle and lock-in system. </p><p>You will also notice your newborn sleeps soundly ON you, but less so off you. Again, they prefer to have human touch. They are biologically programmed to be near humans, or they can’t survive - so they will sleep more soundly when they are on you. However, it isn’t safe to let a newborn sleep on you when you’re asleep - so we replicate that feeling in various ways, like swaddling. </p><p><strong>2. The Swaddle. </strong> Swaddles are essential. They keep babies from throwing their arms up constantly and startling themselves. They keep babies cozy and tightly squeezed just like they were in utero. Babies universally sleep better in a swaddle when they sleep on their backs, which is the only safe way for a baby to sleep. The “<strong>Swaddle Me</strong>” brand is inexpensive and for babies under 8 lbs they make a simple swaddle called the "POD". You can use the receiving blankets they give you from the hospital, but a velcro-type swaddle is easier to manage, especially in the middle of the night. <i><strong>Remember no hats for overnight sleep. </strong></i></p><p><strong>3. Diapers/Wipes. </strong> Do not stress this one - diapers are everywhere. <strong>Pampers, Huggies, or Coterie</strong> are perfect for newborns—more eco-friendly brands (<strong>Honest</strong>) are better for day use, because they are slightly less absorbent than the more commercial brands. Note: the line that turns blue on Pampers & Huggies does not mean “you must change me” - it merely indicates the baby has peed. In the first two or three weeks you’re counting pee and poop diapers so this makes it easier to tell (try the <strong>MammaBaby or Huckleberry app</strong> for tracking feeds & diapers). You can use “<strong>Water Wipes</strong>” which are essentially wipes with no other ingredients but water. Another thing you’ll need (but certainly not the first night) is some diaper cream - the clear kind (like <strong>Aquaphor</strong> or Vaseline) and the zinc barrier cream kind (<strong>Butt Paste, Desitin, Burt’s Bees</strong>.) You don’t need to use cream with every single diaper change. Many parents don’t use it at all, unless the baby is looking a little red. If you don’t have a changing table yet, don’t sweat it - you can change a baby on any flat surface, just use something waterproof underneath. If you have a boy baby prepared to get peed on - expect all babies to let loose once their diaper is opened. They also hate having their diaper changed in the beginning because they do not like being undressed or cold. So do it quickly and consider using a pacifier for those few minutes, so they are soothed by their sucking reflex. Best pacifier for breastfed babies, the<strong> Avent Soothie or Dr. Brown's.</strong> Best changing pad: Everyone loves the <strong>Keekaroo</strong> because you can wipe it down instead of laundering a cloth cover. </p><p><strong>4. Formula. </strong> Because many NYC hospitals are on the “Baby-Friendly” track, they no longer give free formula in your discharge bag. The last essential to have in the house for possible immediate use is some “ready-to-feed” formula. Just in case your milk takes a little longer to come in, or you have other challenges with breastfeeding, your baby still must be fed. Babies who don’t receive enough milk in the first week will become dehydrated, lose weight, and often become jaundiced. Many moms have offered formula in the first week to supplement while they sort out breastfeeding. If you are having any issues at all with baby’s latch or inability to settle and sleep soundly - you’ll need to see a lactation consultant outside the hospital. The ones in the hospital do a more cursory check, while a private visit will take your health history, examine oral anatomy, and determine transfer (how much milk the baby gets while nursing.) So having formula around is important. Using a quality bottle is also important, so it would be great to pick up some <strong>Dr Browns bottles with preemie nipple</strong> from a quality drugstore for the first night home just in case. Don’t use the disposable bottles & nipples that Similac sends you - the flow is super fast and that will confuse a baby who is learning how to breastfeed. </p><p><i><strong>EVERYTHING ELSE CAN WAIT. </strong></i></p><p>Other items to acquire or not acquire are as follows: </p><p><strong>Pump.</strong> You don’t need to start pumping unless a lactation consultant advises you to pump after feeding in order to increase your milk supply. If that happens you’ll need your pump ready to go. The <strong>Spectra S2</strong> is the choice of most new moms - it’s the most efficient and comfortable pump out there. For breastfeeding it’s not essential to have a support pillow, but many moms feel that it helps with positioning. Brand of choice is the “<strong>Brest Friend</strong>” for its flat supportive surface that let’s baby rest in the ideal position for aligning with breastfeeding. I also recommend a low stool to raise mom’s feet - just helps with ideal body positioning. Very helpful to have a <strong>Haakaa</strong> or similar soft silicone no-parts pump. You can attach the Haakaa to the breast you're not feeding on and the extra milk will pour into it. This can be used later to supplement your baby or for another person to practice feeding.</p><p>A place to “park” your baby. They can’t always be in your arms and you don’t always want them snoozing in the bedroom or wherever your bassinet is. So a <strong>Snuggle Me and/or Dock-a-tot</strong> are excellent places to put your baby down while she’s in your sightlines. Further, the Dock-a-tot helps babies sleep soundly because it creates that feeling of being touched on all sides, as though they are being held. Many parents put the Dock-a-tot IN the crib to help baby sleep better even though the warning label states not intended for overnight use. </p><p><strong>White noise.</strong> Babies are used to continuous noise and intermittent motion in utero. But the outside world is both very still and very quiet. So white noise helps them sleep more soundly. It shouldn’t sound like the womb, or ocean waves, or rain falling on a tin roof. They are soothed by the sound of something closer to what a vacuum cleaner sounds like! Get a <strong>Marpac Dohn Sound Machine</strong> or the tower - perfect gift, if you want to nudge a friend or relative. The first night home if you don’t have one set up a white noise app on an iPad or other speaker will do. Ideally, we want “pushed air” rather than exposure to an electronic device. </p><p><strong>Bottles.</strong> Brands of choice are the <strong>Dr. Browns with preemie nipple</strong> EVEN if you don’t have a preemie, it’s the slowest flow and will be less likely to “confuse” your baby going from breast to bottle. Other quality brands are <strong>Lansinoh Momma and Como Tomo</strong>. Also, the bottles and nipples the Spectra comes with work nicely too. Do you need a bottle warmer? NO. Babies don’t mind milk at room temp, or even cold - that’s an unnecessary marketing gadget. You can warm up cold milk by putting it in a pan of hot water, if you have time - never a microwave. Do you need a bottle sterilizer? NO. Throw bottles, pump parts, nipples and pacifiers in a pot of boiling water for 5 minutes every other week or so. In between just wash in a bowl of hot water, use a <strong>gentle natural soap (Dr. Browns </strong>makes one) and let them air-dry (they make a plastic grass-like item for that). </p><p><strong>Getting Around. </strong> You’ll need a car seat that either snaps into a stroller frame, or a stroller that has a flat-style bassinet. But you’re only going out in the beginning with your baby to the pediatrician’s office. Carriers are great, but babies have to be 8 lbs to be safely put in one (<strong>Ergo, Baby K’tan, Solly Wrap</strong>) plus the mom should NOT be wearing baby until she has healed from birth and vaginal bleeding has subsided. Speaking of which - plenty of Witch Hazel, pads, and a peri-wash (<strong>Frida</strong> makes a great kit with all of things you need) is important for mom’s recovery. Doula’s trick - soak the pad in Witch Hazel, put in a plastic bag and stick in freezer to make a soothing ice-pack. </p><p>Items like nail-clippers, thermometer, a baby monitor, bath tub, bouncy chair, MamaRoo, clothes, toys, blankets, room darkening shades, the Owlet, a fancy rocking chair, etc. <strong>ALL can wait.</strong> Best bet - inherit items from friends and relatives - use neighborhood Facebook “mommy groups” for tips on nannies, night nurses, postpartum resources, and all sorts of gadgets, gear and hacks you’ll want to know about or purchase, gently used. <strong>Learning your baby is all you really need to do - so trust your instincts, you know more than you think you do. And try not to worry - they’ll do just fine.</strong></p>Mamaramatag:mamarama.tv,2005:Post/53345132018-07-06T17:36:39-04:002024-01-13T09:10:16-05:00Snooki & Jwoww take an abbreviated birthing class<p>Snooki and JWoww Get Schooled in Childbirth — by Mamarama — in Season Finale </p><p><a class="no-pjax" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5q_bC8Q8Woc" target="_blank" data-link-type="url" contents="Childbirth Class">Childbirth Class</a></p><p>The season comes to a rather anti-climactic end as Snooki and JWoww decide to move out of their Jersey City firehouse digs. Nicole says she wants to concentrate more on her pregnancy and future with fiancé Jionni, and Jenni is more or less obliged to follow her lead. </p><p>In this much-awaited season finale, Snooki decides it might be prudent to become educated about pregnancy and the birth process. She finds herself in a class at Hamilton Health and Fitness hosted by none other than your local childbirth expert, Mamarama. </p><p>Nicole and Jenni haul their noisy fake babies to my birthing class and then pose the question on everyone’s mind: “I’m really worried about my vagina ripping to my asshole.” That’s what you get with a camera crew and a certain lack of decorum. However, Nicole’s specific question IS certainly something many women worry about — and rightly so! What happens next I worry will haunt me forever. I proceed to draw an “anal sphincter” (and vaginal opening) on international television and describe the procedure called “episiotomy.” What you don’t get to hear is how a practitioner can PROTECT this delicate area by using compresses, lubrication and counter-pressure among other non-intrusive techniques, but I digress. </p><p>The teacher in me would have loved to turn off the mics and cameras and get serious with Nicole about what was ahead of her. But I barely had a chance to fit in a joke about their dogs or apologize for my squeaky pelvis (see episode for aural explanation). </p><p>The only thing weirder about seeing myself on MTV alongside Snooki and JWoww would be all the weeks of watching them mis-decorate the house I lived in for two years (“Ahh, the stacked washer/dryer! Oh, the sound of the doorbell! Aww, the Battalion Chief’s room…”) Professionally speaking, I was somewhat concerned that my words might be cut and rearranged to have me say something erroneous about birth, but apart from the anal illustration, I was pleased with the representation overall. </p><p>In the episode, the girls get “pregnancy class” out of the way proclaiming that their education has set Jenni back a bunch of years — which is fine, no rush to have babies when you’re only 26 is my feeling. Next, they set upon the task of repairing one another’s dysfunctional relationships by swapping partners for a little dinner tête-à-tête. It’s worth noting that Nicole and Jionni fare much better in their ability to communicate and generally “get along” category. Jenni, we are told, is plagued by insecurity issues and a proclivity for telling lies — both qualities her boyfriend Roger finds nearly intolerable (and who could blame him). It’s always befuddling to see the “pretty girl” act like a puddle of insecurity when you just want to shake her and shout, “No more cosmetic surgery, darling — you’re beautiful!” </p><p>Lastly, during their dinner interrogation, Jenni asks fiancé Jionni if he’d still be with Nicole if she didn’t have any of “the money.” This is a moment of breaking down that third wall in reality television. The “talent” are never supposed to reference the fact that they are ON a show and reaping the financial gains of such a show. Yet, here it is, Jenni posing the question on all our minds (right after tearing of the anal sphincter, of course) and happily Jionni proclaims his love for Nicole — with or without her riches. Please kids — if you can hear me — invest, save, and diversify! This little million-dollar ride is winding down and will not see you through even your thirties if you don’t plan properly. </p><p>And that is my personal parting wish as we say “adieu” to our former Jersey City celebrity inhabitants: Plan for your future because becoming a parent means responsibility on a level you’ve never known. And no, doggies and fake babies do not count as practice. There will be nothing worse than seeing a destitute Snooki or Jwoww in ten years holding up a convenience store (that’s a nod to Dana Plato) or stooping to Playboy photo shoots. </p><p>All my best wishes to our pseudo-Jersey girls — come back and visit soon.</p>Mamaramatag:mamarama.tv,2005:Post/44400092016-10-27T09:05:08-04:002022-01-08T08:26:27-05:00Cord Blood Banking - Simple Answers to a Difficult Question: <p><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/63368/78a7d6175aab597266195153cb815a053f826808/medium/img-6922.jpg?1477573426" class="size_m justify_left border_" /></p>
<p>Photo courtesy: Sara Kalish Photography </p>
<p>We understand that you are nervous about caring for and protecting your baby. Private cord blood banks also recognize this vulnerability and will market to you heavily during your pregnancy with promises of “biological insurance.” This puts expectant parents in a position of making sense of something that even many doctors have difficulty explaining. </p>
<p>So, we’re going to make it easy to digest by giving you guidelines based on the American Academy of Pediatrics recommendations: </p>
<p>First, the premise behind banking: Umbilical cord blood is rich in stem cells and has been used to treat a variety of pediatric genetic, blood, and cancer-related disorders. Compared to donor transplants (of marrow or donated stem cells) one’s own stem cells are more likely to be accepted and effective. This advantage has made cord blood stem cell transplants for pediatrics successful in roughly 5,500 cases in a twenty year period. What we don’t know about banking stem cells is worth considering. There could be advances made in the next few decades which will draw on stem cells as cures for life-altering illnesses and disorders. </p>
<p><strong>Option 1: </strong></p>
<p>Don’t do anything with the cord blood. </p>
<p>The blood from a baby’s umbilical cord was never assigned any value until very recently -- a mere blip in time, considering the history of childbirth. In a hospital setting this blood would be considered “human waste” and disposed of properly. Millions of babies born in recent years have had their cord blood discarded and that is one acceptable possibility for parents to consider. </p>
<p><strong>Option 2: </strong></p>
<p>Publicly bank the cord blood. </p>
<p>When we are in need of a blood transfusion during surgery, we do not request our individual blood supply for the job. Doctors rely on utilizing blood from those who have previously donated it for the greater good of our population. The same should be said for cord blood, except that a very tiny part of our population publicly banks this resource, compared with regular blood. However, this is an excellent option in that your donation will be first analyzed for any genetic issues, then put to use if there is a recipient match. If the blood is not needed it goes to research, which as stated earlier, is what might lead scientists to bigger and more effective uses. You will not be able to claim that cord blood once it is donated. Hospitals are not generally set-up for public banking so we suggest you do some research or ask when you do a hospital tour.</p>
<p><strong>Option 3: </strong></p>
<p>Privately bank cord blood with a reputable agency. </p>
<p>Taking the “possibility of future scientific developments” out of the conversation, we are left with the likelihood of your child needing her own stored stem cells in the future. The range of estimates is anywhere from 1 in 1,000 to more than 1 in 200,000.* Be aware that there are many unsubstantiated claims made by private cord blood banks in order persuade family members to protect their child against serious illnesses - these claims should be put in perspective. It’s important to understand that when there were any mutations in a child’s DNA that would cause a malignant or genetic condition that mutation is still present in their own cord blood. Therefore, your “biological insurance” would be for a different child. Some genetic counselors recommend cord blood banking for families with genetic or oncological histories - that is something to discuss with your doctor. This makes banking privately your only guaranteed access to this vital material connected to your own child’s genetics. </p>
<p><strong>In Summary: </strong></p>
<p>Given the high cost of private banking and slim likelihood of needing access to your child’s stem cells, the AAP discourages private banking and encourages public banking. Riverside advises you to consider your family history and speak with a genetic counselor if necessary should you have specific medical concerns. Always research the reputation and accreditation of the cord blood bank you choose, if you are selecting private banking. </p>
<p>*Johnson FL. Placental blood transplantation and autologous banking: caveat emptor. Pediatr Hematol J Oncol.1997;19 :183– 186 CrossRefMedlineWeb of Science</p>Mamaramatag:mamarama.tv,2005:Post/44400052016-10-27T08:56:11-04:002021-05-20T11:45:16-04:00Why Do We Need A Birth Doula?<p>FULL BLOG with Photos, click here<br><br><a contents="http://www.chicpeajc.com/community/mamarama-why-do-we-need-a-doula/" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.chicpeajc.com/community/mamarama-why-do-we-need-a-doula/" target="_blank">http://www.chicpeajc.com/community/mamarama-why-do-we-need-a-doula/</a><br><br>by JAYNE FREEMAN <br>JUN 04, 2016 </p>
<p>“If a doula were a drug, it would be unethical not to use it.” ~ John H. Kennell, MD </p>
<p>Over the many years I’ve been teaching childbirth education, the topic of hiring a doula has come up in every class. By the time my students reach me for a childbirth class some have already hired a doula; while in other classes I often have to explain the definition and importance of using a doula. In simple terms, a doula is a trained professional who provides information, comfort, and support to a woman in labor. Her role is not to be confused with a “midwife” who actually delivers babies as well as handles prenatal and postnatal care for the mom. Doula work is varied and flexible, but ultimately she is defined as “non-medical support.” Her presence at your birth should be accepted by every hospital and every practitioner. The studies indicate that when doulas attend a birth, the labors have fewer complications, we see fewer cesarean sections, and mothers report a more satisfying experience. </p>
<p>How can this be, my students often ask? Is there a magic trick that doulas use to make a labor easier or less complicated? </p>
<p>There IS no magic trick. It’s truly a combination of experience and intuition that guides a doula into effectively helping the laboring mom. Sometimes this is in the traditional sense, by a combination of reassurance or by providing massage just where she needs it. Often it is about understanding hospital protocols and procedures so that they have a minimum impact on her labor. For example, when fetal monitoring is required, the doula can help find more comfortable ways of getting her situated. Sometimes it’s just a morecreative way of thinking – like the doula who managed to get her client an epidural when the hospital said, “No epidurals today!” (More on that later…) </p>
<p>Cara Birnbaum from Tapestry Births – a collective of doulas with hundreds of birth stories, elaborates on the topic: </p>
<p>“A lot of our inquiries come from women who know someone who hired a doula and raved about the experience. We also get a lot of referrals from doctors who are starting to view us as part of the birthing team – even asking our advice occasionally on something physical, like pushing positions.” Doulas are not covered by insurance and prices can vary widely based on the doula’s level of experience. When considering a doula it’s helpful to remember you are building a relationship. She should be there for you before, during, and after your birth, providing you with support that most times your practitioner simply does not have time to offer.” </p>
<p>Cara continues, “What a lot of people may not realize is that our support doesn’t only happen during the hours or days before your baby arrives. It starts the day our client signs on. The two lengthy prenatal home visits included in our package give us a chance to get to know one another, explore anxieties and other emotions surrounding birth. We hope to get a deep sense of what comforts expectant moms in their daily lives and practice positions and counter-pressure techniques that are known to work.” </p>
<p>But aren’t doulas really for women who want an unmedicated birth? </p>
<p>Definitely not. If we know anything at all about birth, we know that it is unpredictable. A doula’s emphasis is to support her client through all the twists and turns a birth may take. That could be unmedicated, medically induced, or even a scheduled cesarean. Sometimes the laboring woman just needs some validation of her wishes when her birth is taking an unexpected turn. </p>
<p>Cara recalls, “Our client had been working so hard in the hospital for days and finally said, ‘I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.’ I could tell by the look in her eyes that she was looking to her husband and to me to say, ‘You do what you need to do.’ She wound up asking for an epidural, which turned out to be exactly what she needed at that moment. It gave her a chance to sleep–maybe it even helped her body relax–and she gave birth a few hours later.” Cara’s colleague Lisa recounts how she helped her clients feel “heard and understood” during their births. “I helped her ask the right questions to her doctor that enabled her to move around in labor, which is what she wanted to do. We even were able to get clear fluids in a hospital that is strictly ‘nothing by mouth’ during labor and delivery.” </p>
<p>Bonu DeCaires (fullbirth.com) has years of doula experience and scores of fascinating birth stories to tell. “I like to also focus on the supportive and preventative care a woman can receive from her doula before she ever goes into labor,” Bonu explains. “Based on our meetings and my background in nutrition, we can often enable her to get the best care from her provider and position her for a more satisfying birth experience.” Once at a very busy New York hospital, Bonu’s client (and all the other women in triage) were told they could not be moved into a labor and delivery room until they were 9 cm dilated. Triage (the section where you are evaluated before admission to the labor & delivery unit) is not designed for comfort or movement in labor — nor is it equipped for epidural administration; so those women were a very unhappy and uncomfortable bunch that day. Being an experienced doula with a great deal of hospital familiarity, Bonu asked one of the nurses if her client could be moved to the recovery area outside of the operating room (typically reserved for those recovering from cesarean surgery). In recovery they had all the necessary equipment and monitors for epidural anesthesia. </p>
<p>And, so it was, just like getting upgraded from “Business to First Class” — a doula’s ingenuity and commitment to her client allowed her to get exactly what she needed in that situation. </p>
<p>What if my doctor doesn’t want me to use a doula? </p>
<p>This response can mean a couple of things. One, that perhaps your OB has had experience with an inexperienced doula and found the encounter to be a negative one. Or that your practitioner does not want you to have any say or empowerment in the labor process which is probably the biggest justification for you to hire a doula. More frequently we find that practitioners are delighted to have someone “hold their patient’s hand” during labor. This allows for less stress on the laboring woman and her partner, less need for calling on the hospital’s nursing staff, and more freedom for the doctor to come in and deal with the major issues when and if necessary. </p>
<p>How much does a doula cost and is she covered by insurance? </p>
<p>Doulas are not routinely covered by health insurance though sometimes flex spending can be applied to her fee. Prices for doulas are based mostly on experience and training. In order for certain certification requirements to be fulfilled (for educators and doulas), women have to attend several births. In these cases they are happy to do this at a very low cost and occasionally for free. For a doula in the New York area with a decade or more of births under her belt you can expect to pay between $3,000 – $4,000 for the service. Keep in mind that this includes visits before, during and after your birth. A more mid-range price structure would be anywhere from $900 to $1,500. For doulas who are just beginning their training they might charge $500 or less. Overall, there are only benefits to hiring a doula. In the words of author and educator Erica Lyon, “What I hear consistently from my students is, ‘Thank God we had a doula’ or ‘I wish we had hired a doula.’” </p>
<p>For more information please check out: </p>
<p>http://www.fullbirth.com/ </p>
<p>http://www.tapestrybirth.com/ </p>
<p>http://doulamatch.net/</p>
<p> </p>Mamaramatag:mamarama.tv,2005:Post/44403542016-10-05T13:15:00-04:002022-02-17T12:12:21-05:00Pregnant in Jersey City?<p>For photos view here <a contents="http://www.chicpeajc.com/community/pregnant-jersey-city/" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.chicpeajc.com/community/pregnant-jersey-city/" target="_blank">http://www.chicpeajc.com/community/pregnant-jersey-city/</a><br><br><strong>Question #1 – Where to give birth? </strong></p>
<p>Working as a childbirth educator for the past seven years in New York and New Jersey, I hear a consistent concern arise from expectant parents who have moved to Jersey City: Should we give birth here or there? </p>
<p>“Here or there” meaning of course, on this side of the Hudson River or over in Manhattan. </p>
<p>It’s a legitimate concern and one that you may not have the ability to change, depending on how far along you are in your pregnancy. For expectant parents who have moved from New York to Jersey City, you probably chose your obstetrician (OB) while still living in New York. Your practitioner’s office may be near to your place of work, and you will be giving birth wherever your doctor has privileges, not where it’s most convenient. Before you consider switching to a local doctor, note that most OBs will not take “late transfers” (more than 28 weeks pregnant), though a few will do so if you are not considered “high risk.” Your ability to switch practices has a distinct cut-off point.<br><br>For those who would like to stay with their original New York OB and birth at whichever fine hospital in Manhattan, your doctor delivers at, remember one thing: Birth takes longer than you think! I know we’ve all heard stories about women popping out their babies in taxis or on the subway, but that is rarely her first baby. First births can take anywhere from 6 to 24 hours or longer, whereas a second birth could be as short as a few hours. So keep that range in mind when you picture a panicked ride through the Holland Tunnel at the height of rush hour. </p>
<p>One upside to giving birth in Manhattan is your baby will always have “New York City” as her place of birth and a respectable answer when asked at future cocktail parties, “Where were you born?” Superficial jokes aside, there is no medical advantage to a New York hospital over a northern New Jersey one. Both sides of the river offer exceptional care, high-level NICUs, plus extremely skilled doctors and staff. </p>
<p><strong>What to consider if you’re newly pregnant.</strong></p>
<p>If you’re in the first half of your nine months of gestation and you’re living in Jersey City, consider the following: Choosing your hospital and medical practice should be more than an issue of convenience though this is a factor that cannot be ignored for many. If you work in Manhattan and your practitioner is in Hackensack, NJ you might have a difficult time getting to all your prenatal appointments. Keep that in mind when during the final months of pregnancy you are seeing your doctor every other week, then weekly. </p>
<p>Apart from location, you can look at how a hospital measures up against others. Consider the stats that are made public, like percentage of certain medical interventions used in birth and percentage of births that are c-sections. You may learn of these details in a childbirth class, but then it is often too late to start making changes. So first consider the hospital that suits your needs and perhaps give thought to the style of birth you’d prefer for your experience. </p>
<p>Choose a practice where you feel comfortable and not like just another pregnant lady on a conveyor belt. Does your doctor listen to your concerns and answer with consideration? Do you feel like your wishes for birth will be impeded by your doctor’s agenda? Does the hospital your doctor uses meet your needs for a satisfactory birth experience? What about using a midwife instead of an OB (we can explore that in a separate blog!)? </p>
<p>I find that many of my students are often swayed by, “My hospital has a level IV NICU!”(That refers to the level of treatment and surgery the neonatal intensive care unit can accommodate – level IV being the most sophisticated.) The chances you are going to need a level IV NICU are very slim, but the chances of you having a normal labor and delivery are quite high. Mostly level IV NICUs are necessary for babies born prematurely – not full term, healthy babies. </p>
<p>Speak to women about their birth experiences at various hospitals and with different practitioners. You may find similar stories about one hospital being very restrictive and a different hospital being quite liberal and accommodating during labor. Sometimes it’s the doctor herself who can “customize” your labor requests to suit your needs – so consider that aspect as well. Many of my students don’t realize that having a simple conversation and making basic requests about their labor goes very well with most doctors. He or she is typically fine with accommodating your needs, for example, you would prefer to hydrate orally instead of being on IV fluids during labor. A simple request, and if you and the baby are doing fine in labor it can often be easily met. Yet if you had not mentioned it to your practitioner you would be doing what everyone else in the hospital is doing — having an IV in your arm. </p>
<p>All of the above are general guidelines for making a wise decision about your care and how your baby comes into the world. Your practitioner and the hospital work together to create the experience that is unique to your birth, so making a wise choice is as important as selecting a quality pediatrician. </p>
<p>So whether you’re birthing in New York or New Jersey, the real concern is the type of care and attention you receive from your practitioner, and the way your hospital manages labor. To learn more, speak with a doula or childbirth educator to get some insight on the differences. Consider working with a midwifery practice instead of an OB if the idea limits and restrictions in labor ruffle your feathers. And lastly, relax, you’re not going to give birth in the Holland Tunnel. And if you do, that kid will have a great story to tell!</p>Mamaramatag:mamarama.tv,2005:Post/24822002014-01-28T18:09:35-05:002021-03-23T12:11:26-04:00Mamarama: Postpartum Mood Disorders and New Jersey<p>Last week, 34-year-old first time mom, Miriam Carey was fatally shot following a dangerous car chase in Washington D.C. Following this tragedy, Carey’s mother suggested that her daughter’s irrational and aggressive behavior was a result of untreated postpartum depression. Though this diagnosis is difficult to substantiate, it cannot be entirely ruled out as Carey was said to become emotionally unstable in the months following her August 2012 birth.</p>
<p><span style="color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Postpartum mood disorders don’t generally make national headlines, unless a woman has done something so unthinkable that the incident is splashed all over the news. Andrea Yates is what we might refer to as the most infamous case of <strong>postpartum depression</strong>. In clinical terms, she actually suffered from “postpartum psychosis” as well, which is far more rare and inherently dangerous, in contrast to postpartum depression. Yet the public generally has little exposure to the broader concept of postpartum mood disorders which </span><a href="http://reference.medscape.com/article/271662-overview" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(125, 169, 57); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">studies</a><span style="color: rgb(84, 84, 84);"> show impact up to 85% of all new mothers. The Latin term “postpartum” simply means “after birth” and is so frequently linked to the word “depression” in the media that people often think they are one in the same. Though the term “postpartum depression” or PPD is familiar to many, it remains largely misunderstood.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr" style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">About ten years ago, Jersey City resident “Lydia” descended down the path of PPD following the birth of her first child. “I had some of the precursors that put me at risk for postpartum depression,” she explains, “including the death of a close family member and some history with anxiety before.” But what Lydia had not anticipated was how crippled and isolated she felt by the disorder. “Nobody truly understood what I was enduring, not even my husband. My OB couldn’t help because I only saw her once after I had given birth.” Eventually Lydia reconnected with her former therapist and began sessions again. Her therapist referred her to a psychiatrist who recommended medication to treat her symptoms. A decade ago physicians were less able to chart the effects of anxiety and mood medications on breastfed babies, so Lydia’s situation was made more difficult by the recommendation that she quit breastfeeding in order to take meds that would improve her well-being. “It was a very tough decision to make, but I held out for almost 10 months of breastfeeding, then started with my meds.” Today, most depression and anxiety medications prescribed for postpartum mood disorders are deemed safe for breastfeeding mothers.</p>
<p dir="ltr" style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Much has changed in ten years regarding postpartum depression awareness – particularly in New Jersey. In 1984, following the birth of her first son, Mary Jo Codey (our former First Lady of New Jersey) reported feeling completely “out of sorts” and incapable of caring for her child. She let her baby nurse do most tasks, assuming she’d feel better as the weeks passed. Instead, depression and its related anxieties kicked-in, causing her to have horrifying thoughts of harming her baby. When she was diagnosed with “postpartum depression” the term was completely unfamiliar to her. She says that she could not even find a single book on the topic.</p>
<p dir="ltr" style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Flash forward a couple dozen years to when her husband, Richard Codey, became acting governor for New Jersey. The first item on their mutual agenda was, in fact, postpartum depression and ways to better inform healthcare providers on how to identify and offer help. This led to New Jersey being the very first state to enact legislation for postpartum mood disorder screenings and education. The program “<a href="http://www.state.nj.us/health/fhs/postpartumdepression/" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(125, 169, 57); text-decoration: none;">Speak Up When You’re Down</a>” encourages women and their families to speak openly to one another and with their healthcare provider if they’re feeling depressed or anxious after the birth of their child. It also provides a 24-hour live toll free PPD help line (800 328 3838) with postpartum depression resources. Keep in mind that about 85% of all women experience a normal postpartum mood reaction, often referred to as “Baby Blues.” True postpartum depression occurs in about 15% of the population and presents itself differently (and more acutely) than the “Baby Blues.”</p>
<p dir="ltr" style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Now, every New Jersey hospital must do a screening test, typically they use the <a href="http://www.psychsupport.com.au/bundles/gppsui/assets/Edinburgh-Postnatal-Depression-Scale-(EPDS)-for-Postpartum-Depression.pdf" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(125, 169, 57); text-decoration: none;">Edinburgh Scale</a>, to see if a woman might be at risk for a postpartum mood disorder. (Signs that a woman is at risk include: Apathy toward baby or hyper-anxiety over baby, debilitating fatigue, insomnia, rapid-weight loss, feelings of hopelessness, inability to socialize with other new moms. If you hear a postpartum woman say, “I just don’t feel right” – take that as a clue and seek help.) This test must be administered before she is discharged from the hospital with her baby. Though this may not catch a case of PPD six weeks into the postpartum period, it at least provides feedback on the woman’s emotional state and allows a behavioral healthcare professional to follow-up with her.</p>
<p dir="ltr" style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Another way women suffering from mood disorders might seek help is through “New Moms” groups or postpartum depression-specific groups (see resources below.) Hospitals in New Jersey are currently incorporating regular “New Moms” groups as part of their community offerings, along with other prenatal classes, or even postpartum exercise classes. The idea is that a woman at risk might attend these groups and share feelings about her emotional state. The facilitator of the group can then sort out women at risk and refer them to the available resources.</p>
<p dir="ltr" style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Sounds pretty healthy and positive, right? When I mentioned these services to a group of postpartum professionals and sufferers in New York City, the idea was met with gasps (from those who were not aware) and affirmative words of acknowledgement from those who knew about this legislature. How could it be, they wondered, that just across the river women in New Jersey had so much more attention and access to care than in New York City? Manhattan has some of the best hospitals and physicians in the country – yet without a system in place, women slip through the cracks and never receive necessary attention.</p>
<p dir="ltr" style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Last spring, a 44-year-old Manhattan attorney, in the throes of postpartum psychosis jumped from her apartment building window with her baby strapped to her chest. She did not survive, but her baby miraculously did. I can’t help but think that if her friends and family could not save her, some medical professional might have stepped in and recognized the signposts of such a serious disorder. (Sign posts:<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"> </strong>Any woman with a history of anxiety, depression, physical or sexual abuse, eating disorders and OCD can be at risk for a mood disorder. Having a traumatic birth experience, a family death, excessive stress, and moving to an unknown community can all accelerate depression or anxiety.) Unfortunately, a woman’s obstetrician or midwife no longer sees her on a regular basis after her baby is born. The only doctor women tend to see with any frequency, after birth, is her baby’s pediatrician; however, she is not the patient in that setting. Without support groups and with little medical attention, many women with depression or anxiety might be similarly undiagnosed and left at risk.</p>
<p dir="ltr" style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">With more resources in place, more awareness about postpartum mood disorders, and less stigma attached, New Jersey is leading the way – setting a gold standard of care that can and should be replicated across the country.</p>
<p dir="ltr" style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);"><strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Local Support Groups – All Free of Charge:</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr" style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);"><em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Jersey City Medical Center</em> – “The Mommy’s Club” – Every other Thursday, 4 pm – 5:30 pm, no cost. Contact Jenna Whiteside, at 551 226 0420, for registration or additional information. This group is PPD-specific.</p>
<p dir="ltr" style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);"><em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">HobokenUMC</em> – “The New Moms Support Group” - Every Tuesday, 11:00 – 12:30 pm, no cost, call 201 418 2690 to receive an announcement confirming the group’s location. Ideal for all new moms.</p>
<p dir="ltr" style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);"><em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Palisades Hospital</em> – “<a href="http://www.palisadesmedical.org/Content/77/new-parent-education.html" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(125, 169, 57); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Mommy and Baby Care Group</a>” – Every Thursday 11 am – 1 pm, no cost. For all new moms.</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">The Complete <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Medications-During-Pregnancy-Breastfeeding/dp/1250028388" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(125, 169, 57); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Guide to Medications</a> During Pregnancy and Breastfeeding, by Kate Rope is also an excellent resource.</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);"><em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Editors Note: <strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">If you or anyone you know might be coping with a mood disorder after the birth of her baby, don’t hesitate to reach out for help: Call your local hospital or 800 328 3838 for immediate assistance.</strong></em></p>
<div> </div>Mamaramatag:mamarama.tv,2005:Post/24821992014-01-28T18:08:14-05:002021-06-29T16:08:13-04:00Home Birth: The Latest Trend in Jersey City?<p>As a childbirth educator I frequently speak to pregnant couples around town – whether they are my clients or not. One of the first things I ask is, “Where are you giving birth?” and the answer I’ve been hearing more and more often is: <strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">“At home</strong>.<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">”</strong></p>
<p><span style="color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Though home birth has seen a slight rise in popularity in the wake of “The Business of Being Born” (2008 documentary by Abby Epstein & Ricki Lake) it is still, for some, an unusual choice – one that harkens back to a different era. In Jersey City we have access to the finest hospitals in Manhattan plus several good options here in NJ – yet more couples are choosing the intimacy of their own home, rather than a more typical labor & delivery environment, to usher their newborn child into the world. This story is an exploration of three Jersey City couples who chose </span><em style="color: rgb(84, 84, 84); margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">home over hospital birth</em><span style="color: rgb(84, 84, 84);"> and why.</span></p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Althea Bernheim had previously given birth in a hospital setting, which she described as “stressful and painful.” Getting epidural medication relieved her discomfort but left her feeling “disconnected.” Though husband Sebastian was by her side for the entire labor, she felt frustrated that he couldn’t do anything for her, conceding however that there was nothing much for him to do.</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">“The worst part for me,” she recalls, “was having my baby taken away [for observation] and put into a room next to mine where he squalled for an hour. I felt like I wanted to just die.” Though an attending physician eventually brought the baby back so he could start nursing, Althea remembers that first hour as feeling devastated that her baby was separated from her for what she felt was “no good reason.”</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Most hospitals attempt to keep mother and child together, particularly right after birth, but ten years ago “separation for medical observation” was more commonplace. In Althea’s case it traumatized her enough to beg her husband not to have any more children (though she says that half-kidding.) She adds, “I really found the whole environment very stressful plus I found traveling in order to GIVE birth very painful.”</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">The second time around the couple talked about the concept of home birth. Husband and father Sebastian says, “Originally I voiced opposition to the idea. I am from a medical family and wasn’t sure about having a baby without a doctor present.”</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);"><a href="http://www.jerseycityindependent.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Elizabeth-and-Donovan-Cain.jpeg" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(125, 169, 57); text-decoration: none;"><img src="//www.jerseycityindependent.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Elizabeth-and-Donovan-Cain-300x214.jpeg" class="size_orig justify_left border_" alt="Elizabeth and Donovan Cain" height="214" style="margin: 0px 7px 2px 0px; padding: 4px; border: 0px; display: inline;" width="300" /></a></p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Eventually his wife won him over with safety statistics and the assurance that a capable midwife could handle just about anything. Their nearest hospital was six minutes away and had an excellent NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.) Althea interjects, “I threatened to have the baby under the porch like a dog rather than enter a hospital again, so he really had little choice but to acquiesce.”</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Baby two and three were born in the Bernheim’s home in a birthing pool surrounded by family and friends who were invited for the occasion. Althea maintains that the pain from contractions were far more manageable in her own environment and overall labor was shorter. “In a moment of absolute love, I pressed my forehead into Sebastian’s and he covered my ears with his hands. It was pure necessity; I needed him and he was there. The whole rest of the world melted away — we gave birth together.”</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Since then, Sebastian describes himself as passionate about the subject often broaching the topic with pregnant couples they encounter. He says, “The births of my two youngest sons convinced me that home birth is really the best childbirth experience.”</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Elizabeth and Donovan Cain, owners of specialty pet store <a href="http://www.jerseycityindependent.com/2012/10/15/entrepreneurs-about-town-elizabeth-and-donovan-cain-start-a-family-while-growing-a-business/" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(125, 169, 57); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Hound About Town</a> and <a href="http://hazelbabystore.com/" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(125, 169, 57); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Hazel Baby</a> (eco-friendly baby boutique), are also in the home birth club. “Our priority was welcoming our baby into a peaceful and loving environment – and convenience!” In the first trimester of pregnancy when the couple did visit with an OB-GYN they found the experience to be surprisingly disappointing. “We were all excited about this pregnancy, of course,” Donovan explains. “But the doctor’s visit took all the optimism out of our excitement by filling our heads with fearful statistics and risks.” They are referring to the genetic counseling, blood tests, and other issues that come up in a typical prenatal visit. “While some of this may be warranted,” Donovan concedes, “it was NOT how I wanted to begin our joyous experience of bringing life into this world.”</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Soon after, the couple looked into hiring a midwife as their practitioner and that swiftly led to a discussion about birthing at home. Exploring all the possible scenarios the Cains realized that their risk factor was actually quite low. “Hiring an experienced midwife, knowing that there are local hospitals we could easily get to, and having a back-up doctor in place really made us feel secure,” Donovan adds. With midwife Jessica Lawlor on board, prenatal visits began in the comfort of the Cains’ home. “I’m super busy, so having all my prenatal visits at home was an amazing convenience,” Elizabeth says.</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);"><a href="http://www.jerseycityindependent.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Christine-Goodman-and-Michael-Flink.jpeg" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(125, 169, 57); text-decoration: none;"><img src="//www.jerseycityindependent.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Christine-Goodman-and-Michael-Flink-198x300.jpeg" class="size_orig justify_right border_" alt="Christine Goodman and Michael Flinck" height="300" style="margin: 0px 0px 2px 7px; padding: 4px; border: 0px; display: inline;" width="198" /></a></p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">When labor began for the Cains their midwife and doula were welcomed into the sanctity of their environment. Donovan reflects, “I got to sit on my own couch, in my slippers and PJs, right behind my wife and watch my son take his first breath of air. I could never put a price tag on that.” Elizabeth concludes, “Everything about delivering at home makes the entire pregnancy and birth a wonderful and stress-free experience. I would do it again a million times.”</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">In the case of Christine Goodman of <a href="http://www.arthouseproductions.org/home.html" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(125, 169, 57); text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Art House Productions</a> and husband Michael Flinck, they too were seeking a more intimate and meditative setting for birth. Like many others, they started their process with an obstetrician but soon switched to a midwifery practice (Jessica Lawlor, again.) “Our friends and family were very loving and supportive,” Christine offers in response to my question about familial opposition. “There was definitely a learning curve as my parents had never heard the terms ‘midwife’ or ‘doula.’ We explained the process to them and it ended up being a wonderful dialogue.” Again, for most folks, knowing that there is a back-up plan in the event of an emergency generally puts fears to rest.</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">“I knew I wanted a safe and comfortable experience. But safety and comfort for me meant my home; I wanted options like a birthing pool, a shower, and the freedom to labor in whatever position I felt I needed to be in.” Christine alludes to the restrictions in many conservative hospitals where laboring women are expected to be closely monitored, which restricts movement. Not all hospitals allow women to get in the shower (which decreases the perception of pain) and almost none offer bathtubs or Jacuzzis for comfort. Inability to move about freely during labor, to hydrate, and to have access to the relief a shower or bath can make labor more challenging. This is why we tend to see high epidural usage in NYC hospitals.</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Christine and Michael enjoyed a healthy and uneventful pregnancy, trying to stay calm as the due date approached around the holidays in late December. During their many prenatal visits their midwife talked them through various scenarios including the possibility of transfer to a hospital if the need for that occurred.</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">When people think about home birth not going according to plan, they tend to focus on an <em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">emergency</em>. But the truth is many transfers to a hospital are not about an emergent situation but something more along the lines of what happened to Christine and Michael.</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">“I had a very, very long labor. At a certain point it became clear that we would need to deliver the baby surgically – but it was by no means an emergency c-section. With the flexibility of a homebirth and my support team of midwife, doula and husband, we were able to try every possible scenario for normal birth. When all possibilities were exhausted, and so was I, the idea of a cesarean was not a terrible disappointment.”</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);"><a href="http://www.jerseycityindependent.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Althea-and-Sebastian-Bernheim-Home-Birth.jpg" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(125, 169, 57); text-decoration: none;"><img src="//www.jerseycityindependent.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Althea-and-Sebastian-Bernheim-Home-Birth-300x200.jpg" class="size_orig justify_left border_" alt="Althea and Sebastian Bernheim Home Birth" height="200" style="margin: 0px 7px 2px 0px; padding: 4px; border: 0px; display: inline;" width="300" /></a></p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Michael observes that transition to the hospital went better than expected, “It really made a difference to have a home birth midwife with privileges at a good hospital. Not only did we transfer in smoothly, she also had an established rapport with the doctor there and stayed with us until the baby was born. It really helped to have that continuity of care.”</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Studies and support groups indicate that women who felt they were “talked into” a surgical birth without being offered viable alternatives have a more difficult time accepting that turn of events. In Christine’s case she cites her intrepid support team for helping her accommodate this unexpected outcome with grace and acceptance. “I really appreciate that our team did everything we could to make that home birth possible. The choice was made with care and consideration and after all other options were exhausted. In the end I felt at peace with it.”</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">Culturally, Americans are not inclined to use midwives as their labor practitioners, just as they are not inclined to give birth on their kitchen tables. In fact, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists has officially opposed home birth since 1975. However, many couples in the New York area are re-thinking the existing model, realizing that there are other choices and alternatives when it comes to childbirth.</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);">As Althea reflects, “It was an experience that changed both of us. There was no one to tell you what to do; no insurance policies dictating anything – it was just family – slow and simple. There was no rush, no where to be. We were home.”</p>
<p style="margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);"><i style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><small style="margin: 0px; padding: 3px 6px; font-size: 0.95em; background-color: rgb(238, 245, 225); background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Bernheim photo by Gabby Creery, Cain photo by Mickey Mathis, Goodman and Flinck by Ingrid K. Studio.</small></i></p>
<div class="sharedaddy sd-sharing-enabled" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; clear: both; zoom: 1; color: rgb(84, 84, 84); border-top-left-radius: 0px !important; border-top-right-radius: 0px !important; border-bottom-right-radius: 0px !important; border-bottom-left-radius: 0px !important;"><div class="robots-nocontent sd-block sd-social sd-social-icon sd-sharing" style="margin: 0px; padding: 10px 0px 5px; border-top-left-radius: 0px !important; border-top-right-radius: 0px !important; border-bottom-right-radius: 0px !important; border-bottom-left-radius: 0px !important; zoom: 1; border-top-width: 1px; border-top-style: solid; border-top-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.129412); width: 775px;"> </div></div>Mamaramatag:mamarama.tv,2005:Post/2134182012-06-15T18:05:00-04:002021-05-20T11:45:44-04:00Are You Dad Enough?<p> There’s a media storm kicking up so much dirt and dust right now that I can barely see my Facebook timeline.<br><br>Hundreds of posts have appeared over the past 24 hours about TIME magazine’s provocative cover photo AND story – which appear to be two separate issues of debate and contention. Allow me to describe: We have an unlikely depiction of an “attachment parenting” mom nursing what appears to be a 7th grader. Okay, he’s not quite 4, but with clever art direction the sense is that of an older child breastfeeding from his willowy and attractive mother.<br><br>Red flags and alerts everywhere: “Sexualizing breastfeeding!” “Unrealistic illustration!” “Inappropriate sensationalism!”<br><br>If you get past the cover image then you have a cover story titled Are You Mom Enough? Witness the journalistic bottom of the barrel: pitting moms against one another via their parenting approach. Every sensible woman on the planet has had her fill of the “Mommy Wars” including the idea that SOMEONE out there is doing it better than she is: with a flat belly, no less.<br><br>So I’m wondering where are the inflammatory cover stories about the dads’ inner struggles? Imagine the father who walks home from the bus in his leather-soled brogues and wistfully watches a soccer game already in progress. Is he wondering if he’s “man enough” to ditch that last conference call and coach Little League every Tuesday? We simply don’t hear anything in the media about the paternal conflict.<br><br>I know it exists and have seen it here in Jersey City – more and more stay-at-home dads who rearranged life in order to be a full-time caregiver. Maybe it’s simply not in a man’s nature to hold his decisions about parenting against his brethren of other fathers. Should the media take a cue from this silence and create the new-fangled “Daddy Wars?” What might they look like?<br><br>“Dad Enough” custody: How about the divorced dad protesting that the average U.S. court thinks that one day per week and every other weekend is an adequate amount of time to spend with his children? In general, fathers get the short shift of child-rearing as seen by the courts. The expectation is that he will be the breadwinner, paying child support and spending almost no time raising his child, let alone seeing him. Every other weekend is 4 days per month; even with that one day during the week the total gives a father no opportunity to get involved with sports or homework or the general rhythm of school life. Yet this edict is handed down case after case in most states. Fathers have to fight for their right to parent. Are you “Dad Enough” to fight for your right to FATHER?<br><br>“Dad Enough” paternity leave: Since when does the fact of not giving birth make you any less of a parent? Whether you’ve adopted or you’re a birth dad, you should be given a reasonable amount of time off from work to accommodate the changes that have beset your household. Because a dad is not hormonally linked to his offspring the time it takes to simply get to know and adore that baby takes longer. Many fathers require an adjustment period into their role as “father.” Corporate America tells you it does not honor your new role by requiring you to return back to work swiftly, or worse, accept that you’re home but constantly pester you with demands throughout your “vacation.” Are you “Dad Enough” to turn down the noise and surrender to fatherhood with your full attention?<br><br>“Dad Enough” attachment parenting: Do fathers even play a part in the philosophy of attachment parenting? If so, do they snicker behind one dad’s back saying, “Wow, does Jim EVER not have that baby glued to his chest? I wonder if he’s lactating yet?” In general, men don’t get openly critical about other dads’ involvement or lack of involvement in their child’s life; but that doesn’t make them immune to scrutiny by others around them, not least of which their own family should they be co-sleeping or teaching baby sign-language, for example.<br><br>In terms of attachment parenting, Dr. Sears says, “Babies need loving responses from Dad, too, along with the special comfort and fun only a father can provide. Fathers also help to nurture their babies by loving and supporting their wives. Attachment parenting does not work as well without an involved and nurturing dad. The father creates a supportive environment that allows the mother to devote her energy to baby matters.”<br><br>I’d love to see the TIME magazine story that delves into the deeper issues of “fathering” and how today’s man comes to terms with his role as provider and parent. Men are not immune to the judgment put forth by their friends and family either. If they choose to put their career on hold or even join a preschool co-op, they may have to defend those choices – just like the moms feel compelled to defend theirs. Yet we hear so little about that conflict and are unaware of the possible judgment that comes from those who disapprove of one’s choices. Instead all the focus is on the mothers and how badly or bravely they are taking on their role.<br><br>That whole “Tiger Mom” story in the news last year gave moms a chance to ridicule the overly-strident mother and give themselves a pat on the back for being lackadaisical. Whether media-invented or not, these dialogues give us a reason to reevaluate and hopefully commend ourselves for being outside of the perceived misdirected parenting technique.<br><br>As Dr. Sears says, “Nothing matures a man like becoming an involved father.” And I couldn’t agree more. Maybe it’s with complete acceptance that men straddle their role as provider and nurturer. The inherent conflict isn’t as strong because that expectation hasn’t been skewered and dissected for the past 40 years in philosophical debate. Women will continue to endure invented media “wars” over what’s best for their children and if men can escape the accusations, I suppose that’s all for the better. But I’m hedging my bets that an impending “Daddy War” is about to erupt — but I don’t want to know what that TIME cover photo is going to look like.<br><br>————————————————————————————————————————————————————-<br>Special thanks to Chris Carey, “Man of the Mini-Van” blogger, for giving me the “Dad Enough” idea and supporting the Mamarama ethic.</p>Mamaramatag:mamarama.tv,2005:Post/570792009-08-12T18:05:00-04:002017-01-13T08:42:15-05:00ReCapping My LunaPad Talk at Babeland; (eco-friendly lube to plugs)<img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/63368/78de645327d4e8bfd0e45d18c416c8624562415b/medium/claire-me-mad.jpg?1380633880" class="size_orig justify_inline border_" alt="" height="225" width="300" /> I arrived early for Babeland’s "Eco-Sexy Earth Day Workshop" which focused on natural lubricants and dildos made from natural materials. Let's face it, if you're going to go GREEN you may as well go whole-hog, and Babeland does not skimp on eco-friendly alternatives. Even traditionally leather harnesses and restraints were offered in vegan-friendly nylon (though it was pointed out that "floggers" do not work well when not made from good old-fashioned leather). <br><br>
Dallas, our dildo-demonstrator, showed how the hand-blown glass dildo was nearly impossible to break and how it could be heated or chilled to suit your fancy. She spoke about wooden and stainless steel dildos as well, and how more vibrators are on the market that you can re-charge; just like your cell phone! Babeland makes playing with toys easier on you and the environment.<br><br>
After her informative sex-toy talk I was set to speak about alternatives to menstrual accessories; not as racy but extremely relevant. The store was crowded with mostly women including a wonderful group of young feminists from SUNY New Paltz who were all adorably eager and enthusiastic about this evening’s workshop. They had money left over in their group budget for a field trip so this is exactly where they chose to be: Babeland, Sex Toys For A Passionate World.<br><br>
I began by letting my audience know some of the stats on our menstrual contribution to the environment. About 14 billion pads, tampons and applicators are flushed into our sewers or thrown into landfills annually – just in North America. With every woman getting her period about 400 times in her life that’s about 15,000 pads or tampons per lifetime. And we MOMS worry about DIAPERS in our landfills! We’re creating a mess ourselves. <br><br>
In addition to the impact this has on our environment consider that tampons and pads are basically made from trees! Wood pulp goes into pads (just as toilet paper is not cotton but wood-product) and tampons are made from a little bit of cotton but mostly rayon which is again, wood-pulp. Then these items get bleached with chlorine so they are white and pristine looking. When we put tampons in our very sensitive vaginas some of the toxins may be absorbed – and who needs that? Lastly, there is something that women don’t think about much with tampons, but because they are designed to “absorb” they also absorb too much of our own natural humidity. When this occurs it upsets our delicate internal balance, which can lead to yeast infections. <br><br>
Looking into the group of very young faces I decided to illustrate my point further.<br>
“Have any of you ever heard of a tampon called ‘Rely’?” I asked. They solemnly shook their heads, though one older woman gave out a low whistle of recognition. “Rely tampons,” I explained, “were aggressively marketed to women in the late 70s as the answer to all your menstrual problems. They were made with revolutionary polyester beads that allowed the tampon to hold more than 20 times its own weight. The ads boasted, ‘they even absorb the worry’.”<br><br>
Well, what scientists didn’t count on was that Rely tampons’ super-absorbency upset the natural viscosity inside a woman’s vagina. Because the tampon dried you out removing it would create tiny abrasions on the vaginal walls. All this conspired to make a perfect environment for bacteria to breed and then enter the bloodstream sending women into toxic shock. Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) caused many deaths, comas, severe sickness and occasionally resulting in digit-amputation for scores of women who tried this new “wonder-tampon”.<br><br>
The tragedy cost Proctor & Gamble over 75 million dollars in lawsuits. <br><br>
“I say this to you now, because although Rely tampons have long been off the market, Toxic Shock Syndrome is still a threat to women who regularly use tampons,” I went on. “This is why there are recommendations to NOT sleep with tampons inside of you and why there are guidelines about using the correct absorbency level.”<br><br>
The crowd was dead silent and captivated. My props were laid out before me and it was the perfect segue into showing a wonderfully all-natural – un-tainted by chemicals alternative to tampons and pads.<br><br>
I showed the panty-liner, pads, and other accessories that LunaPads has created and perfected over the years. They are soft and colorful and best of all – let your body breath while wearing them. LunaPads even makes their own panties and thongs with a built-in mini pad for light-days or for back-up with a DivaCup. The DivaCup, I went on to explain, can be worn for up to 12 hours and holds up to 2 ozs. of menstrual fluid. Imagine not having to worry about changing your cup for hours on end; and never having to worry that what you’re putting in your body can harm you. DivaCups are made from medical-grade, hypo-allergenic silicone. <br><br>
“And may I point out how much money this saves you?” I said with a flourish. It’s true when you think that washing your pads and using a cup will save you hundreds of dollars a year and has a very low-impact on our environment; what’s holding you back?<br><br>
For many women, it’s a psychological leap to get over thinking that their menstrual blood is somehow unsanitary or disgusting. There is an urge to throw it away as quickly as possible; or to not see it in a cup. I encouraged the women present to feel the flannelly softness of the pads and imagine that against your skin instead of a plasticy panty-liner. They were all extremely UNskeptical which finally made me inquire, “How many of you have ever used a DivaCup or a reusable pad?” <br><br>
And I kid you not, ALL the young women from SUNY raised their hands, in addition to more than half of the other women present. <br><br>
I burst out laughing and said, “Well, I guess I’m preaching to the converted; everybody enjoy your gift bag samples and feel free to ask me questions!”<br>Mamaramatag:mamarama.tv,2005:Post/570782009-08-01T17:45:00-04:002022-02-15T08:46:50-05:00Death and Dying On Time: Personal Account of My Dad's Death<p><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/63368/b293e0f4f6993c71c9b7a7762a95d833bd6b67b6/thumb/dad-in-sicily.jpg?1380633880" class="size_orig justify_inline border_" alt="" height="125" width="97" /> One summer day, when I was about twelve, I woke up and realized that nothing felt right. The day went on and the feeling of unnamed dread persisted, but I had nothing to pin it on. That night, my beloved cat was hit by a car and killed.<br><br>I thought about that day yesterday as I lay in bed staring at my gauzy mosquito netting. <i>What does the day look like when you know your dad is going to die? </i> It looked sunny and clear with no indication of anything out of the ordinary. Why was I so certain it was today?<br><br>Just like that summer day when I was an almost-teen, the predetermined knowledge seemed to be set in stone. I called my brother to confirm my hunch and he reported that dad had had a very bad night. I suggested visiting and he agreed, adding, “Check in every hour or so first.”<br><br>I had one major errand to do first and once that was completed I could head over to my family’s house and visit with my dad. I imagined that while there he’d die peacefully, perhaps while holding my hand, just like you see in the movies. But I quickly put the discomforting thought out of my head and drove into Manhattan to meet “Allan the ticket guy”. I was about to purchase two tickets to All Points West via a stranger from Craig’s list. Any doubts about his credibility were dashed as I deemed him honest and authentic through our emails and phone calls.<br><br>We were to meet in Union Square at noon; then I would drive over to the next task of the day. To Do List: 1. Pick up All Points tickets 2. Visit dying father 3. Get girls to swim practice. It all seemed rather perfunctory and unemotional – but that was how I could best process the impending event.<br><br>However, a major kink in the plan came in the form of Allan-the-ticket-guy carelessly leaving his cell phone at home. Arriving in Union Square and scanning the mob of folks reveling in the perfect summer day, he knew there was no chance of finding me. Meanwhile, waiting patiently for Allan’s call, I had parked my car then wandered around the neighborhood awash with memories of my dad.<br><br>When Bebe was small I worked just off of Union Square at a perfect little slacker software company. They let me bring my baby to work, and when she got older I recruited my dad in the form of free childcare. For my retired father this was a great way to hang out in New York and to spend time with his daughter and granddaughter. My dad was never much of a New Yorker – affecting more of a “tourists” viewpoint and agenda. But now he was a fixture in the local playgrounds, chatting with the Barbadian nannies. He was a regular in the children’s department of Barnes & Noble and he knew all the local bathrooms equipped with changing tables. Sometimes while Bebe dozed in her stroller my dad would just people-watch in the park; which amounted to girl-watching mostly.<br><br>I’d join him for lunch and he’d say things like, “Look-it all these broads! Don’t they ever wear bras??” He’d actually mimic the noise of what bouncing breasts might sound like, “Buh-loomp-a-loomp”. I’d roll my eyes in annoyance, just like I did in the Vatican [see Sicily blog].<br><br>Once he noticed the Virgin MegaStore on the south end of Union Square and cried out, “The VAGINA MEGA STORE? What kind of a name is THAT?”<br><br>“Dad, it’s VIRGIN, not vagina,” I explained peevishly. He’d also marvel at the giant billboards and their ambiguous photographs. “Is that a naked boy up there? Or a flat-chested lady?”<br><br>Despite these sexist and occasionally questionable remarks it was great to give my dad something productive to do and to give my daughter additional time with her grandpa. Each day, worn out from a day out on the town, the two would stroll into my office. My colleagues tolerated them both despite complaining once, “Do you think you can keep your dad from wandering into our meetings?” My dad could not imagine that guys in shorts and flip-flops could possibly be doing any legitimate work.<br><br>Back in the present, Allan took the train back home, grabbed his phone and explained his tardiness, apologizing for the blunder. “Just stay there,” he said, “I’ll be right back in fifteen minutes.”<br><br>How could I explain that my dad’s life hung in the balance and I sort of had more pressing demands ahead of me? But I said nothing and agreed to wait for him.<br><br>I paused at the door of my dad’s favorite diner and recalled all the breakfasts he enjoyed there as part of his babysitting routine. All in all, that was a really great time for my father and for us in adapting to my role as a mother. I was no longer that smart-allecky teenager traipsing through Italy on her dad’s dime. I was an adult with a small child and my own responsibilities and achievements.<br><br>Eventually Allan showed up and we exchanged cash for tickets. We chatted for just a few minutes but the nagging feeling that I needed to get somewhere quickly pulled me to my car and up Third Ave.<br><br>At this point I phoned my brother. “I’m running behind schedule,” I explained. “My noon appointment was an hour late.”<br><br>“Well…he might not make it till you get here,” my brother said.<br><br>The shock of those words hit me like a brick. “Please don’t say that,” I cried. “I’m driving there as fast as I can!” I hung up and panicked at each stoplight, at every slow truck and lazily strolling pedestrian. I called my friends saying, “Oh my God! I ran an errand before going to see my dad die and now I’m going to MISS IT!??? Can this be happening!?? Why did I do it in that order!???”<br><br>Everyone calmed me down and said, “Come on; your brother can’t predict the time of his death…just hang in there and for god sakes slow down.”<br><br>At some point on the highway I felt a sense of calm. I had a thought that seemed to come out of nowhere which basically said, “It’s okay that you’re not there…best to remember him the way you did; vibrant and ridiculous in New York City. Maybe it’s harder for him to depart if you’re hovering close and tethering him to this material world.”<br><br>Okay.<br><br>I heard the message loud and clear, then watched the red speedometer needle drop slowly down to safer territory.<br><br>Fifteen minutes later I burst through the door of my family’s house. A hospital aide sat in the living room with her hands folded. My brother emerged from his anti-chamber (the den). “Well??” I said, a little too loudly, “Anything new??”<br><br>“He <i>died</i>, Jayne,” my brother half-laughed. “He died about five minutes after you called.”<br><br>The shock of that statement was a punch to the gut. I ran up the stairs half-expecting my brother to have been joking. I wish I hadn’t seen my dad, withered and white; mouth open wide like a broken hinge.<br><br>I stomped outside and sat in my hot car. I called my boyfriend and left an anguished message….”How the fuck?? Why did I go to New York first?? Why was Allan so goddamn late?? If he wasn’t late; if he had BEEN there at NOON I would have been here on time!”<br><br><i>On time for what</i>, I wondered. I walked back in the house and my brother seeing my distress said, “He was asleep from the morphine; besides, you said good-bye the other day when he was way more coherent.”<br><br>And that was true. Just two days before this, I brought my girls over and we all took turns saying good-bye and holding his papery-skinned hands. For some reason I asked Bebe to sing “Moonriver” with me; and thankfully she put up no resistance. We sang together, quietly but clearly, the song I have sung to my girls for years; the song that always puts them right to sleep.<br><br>I should feel grateful that this particular good-bye was a genuine and poignant one. That I wasn’t there for the “moment of passing” is really immaterial. It was pointed out to me that many, many people have experienced the bedside vigil only to step out for a much-needed shower or cup of coffee and have missed the actual death by moments.<br><br>As I spoke in turn to my friends that day, I was made aware of how many of us have lost our fathers - and lost them FIRST, as women nearly always outlast the men folk.<br><br>So my farewell was not played out in the script of my mind as I might have written it. But, birth like death, is beyond our control and we have a difficult time comprehending its will. In the end I came to peace with the frazzled day and had to believe that somehow this ending came just as it was meant to be.<br> </p>Mamarama